


Eye of the Hurricane

by typewriterlights



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Anxiety, Bisexual Alexander Hamilton, Daddy Issues, Henry Laurens' A+ Parenting, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Rape Recovery, Rape/Non-con Elements, So many daddy issues, Trust Issues, alex needs to be protected, i think maybe, i want them to be happy too, pray the gay away
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-27
Updated: 2018-01-16
Packaged: 2018-05-29 12:11:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 34
Words: 41,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6374233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/typewriterlights/pseuds/typewriterlights
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alexander Hamilton has to go to a church group because his father wants him to be "cured".  John Laurens is there for the same reason.  John wants Alex to know that he deserves to be loved, but Alex isn't quite sure about that.<br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm back and ready to sin. Once again, some of the things I'm writing about I don't have first hand experience with, so please please please tell me if I say something wrong.

Alexander Hamilton was scared. Terrified actually. James Hamilton wasn't exactly known for being the most accepting man. In fact, when found out that his son was bisexual, he almost kicked him out. He only decided not to when he remembered the legal trouble he could get into. He didn't want any trouble, and he certainly didn't want to have to give money to foster parents. So he did what he thought was best. Church group therapy. Just for confused kids like Alex. Alex knew where the church was, because his father dragged him there every Sunday. He hated it a lot. The group met in the basement, and according to Alex’s father it should of been held in the closet. It was a terrible joke, but his father laughed like it was the funniest thing in the world. It made Alex feel even worse. Alex felt like he was walking to his own execution; one step in front of the other, eyes trained on the sidewalk, scared out of his mind. The church was a huge, old building, which made it even more intimidating. He opened the heavy doors with a great deal of trepidation. The sound of his shoes on the floors echoed around the mostly empty building. He found the basement stairs. It was well lit, and the walls were painted with bright colors. Quite unlike most basements, and also quite unlike the rest of the church. It gave an illusion of friendliness, but Alex knew what it was really for. 

“Mr. Hamilton. Your father told me that you would be attending our little group.”  Aaron Burr was in charge of this youth group, and Alex did not like him. The Burr family was always heavily active in the church community. Aaron’s grandfather had been a preacher there, and people still talked about his fire and brimstone sermons. “Please, take a seat and make yourself comfortable.”  Mr. Burr motioned to one of the chairs that were all arranged in a circle.  There were about five other kids who looked about Alex’s age.  None of them looked happy to be there. “We were just about to begin.”  Alex took a seat in the circle, still not speaking. “Alright Mr. Hamilton, since you've never been here before, how about you introduce yourself?  Don't forget to mention why you're here.”  Alex sighed. This was almost worse than he had imagined. He didn't want these people to know anything about him. 

“My name is Alexander Hamilton, and I'm here because I'm bisexual.”

“Actually Mr. Hamilton, sorry to interrupt, but you are here because you  _ think _ that you are bisexual. The  _ think _ part is very important to your road to recovery. You must keep faith that you will be able to get better.”  Mr. Burr gave Alex a smile, almost like he actually cared about what happened to him.

“I'm  _ not _ sick.”

“We’ll see about that.” His voice was like one of a mother who was humoring an insolent child. Alex rolled his eyes. He had enough people telling him that there was something wrong with him already. “Why don't the rest of you introduce yourselves to Mr. Hamilton?”  Alex didn't pay attention, he didn't want to know any of them. He only recognized one of them from school. A boy with curly hair and freckles who was on the opposite side of the circle from Alex. He payed attention to that one. 

“I'm John Laurens, and I'm here because I'm gay, and my father is a jackass.”  Mr. Burr gave him a steely look. “Sorry, I meant I  _ think _ I'm gay, and I  _ think _ my father is a jackass.”  Alex let a small laugh escape, but quickly covered it with a cough. 

“Mind your manners, Mr. Laurens,” Mr. Burr reprimanded. “Or I will tell your father that you have been misbehaving.”

“It's not like he doesn't hate me enough already.”  Alex felt a pang of sympathy for him.  

“That’s why you are here.  You can cleanse your soul, and find total freedom in Jesus Christ.  When that happens, you’ll be accepted by everyone.  I’m sure that all of you here right now are ready to experience the real, unconditional love of God.”  Alex knew bullshit when he heard it.  “Actually, the bible never condemns homosexuality, so...”

“That’s what they want you to believe.”

“And who’s they?”  Alex was already in his combative mode; there was no stopping him.

“People who haven’t yet accepted the Lord into their hearts.”  Mr. Burr’s calm, reasonable tone infuriated Alex even more.  They went back and forth for at least five more minutes.

“Mr. Hamilton.  I know that you would love to argue with me more on this subject, but that’s not the reason we are all here.  We are here so that you can be saved.”

Alex put on a large, fake smile, and with a sugary sweet voice said, “Then by all means, lead the way.”

“Thank you, Mr. Hamilton.”

The meeting was only a half an hour, but it was a half an hour too long for Alex.  

“I hope to see you all back here next Saturday.”

Alex got out of his chair, and walked to the stairs to head back up. He was not looking forward to going back home. He knew exactly what was going to happen. His father would make some comment about the “fucking queers” who were going against everything America stood for. Alex wasn't quite sure how that was possible, but he knew better than to argue with his father about it. Then his father would leave him alone, and go out drinking with his friends for a few hours. Alex never felt comfortable when his father was home, so those few hours were always a relief to him. He tried to make the walk back to his house as long as possible in order to delay the inevitable.

* * *

 

“I see the queer is back.”  No hello. No “it's nice to see you”.  Alex was used to that. He guessed he would just have to get used to this form of greeting as well. Maybe if he didn't respond he could just sneak up the stairs without and incident. No such luck. 

“Don't think I'm done with you yet.  Come in here where I can see you.”  James Hamilton was in his usual spot; the large living room chair in front of the tv. Alex hated going in when his father was there.  “Did they fix you yet?” His father asked jokingly. “Or are you still as fucked up as you were before?”

“If I'm fucked up, we both know who's fault that is.”  Alex knew that he shouldn't talk back to his father like that, but he couldn't resist it.  “Maybe if you didn’t treat me like shit I would be screwed up.”

“You deserve it.”

“Why?  Aren’t you supposed to “love me unconditionally?”

“Maybe if you showed me some respect.”

“Why should I have to respect someone who doesn’t respect me?”

“Just go away.  Leave me alone.”  His father dismissed him with a wave of his hand.  That’s how a lot of their conversations ended.  

When Alex got to his room, he pulled out his journal.  He wrote everything down, because if he wrote it down, he didn’t have to carry it around in his mind anymore.  He could forget how much it all hurt.

  
  



	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm excited for this fic, because I love causing pain and suffering™ (I swear I'm not a bad person)  
> I decided that I'm going to be switching POVs between Alex and John, because why not

_ Alex _

Alex could feel the pain in his arm increase as he laid down in bed. He knew that there was going to be a bad bruise there the next day.  It always happened so fast; the yelling, the strong hand that gripped his arm, the inevitable smack across the face.  Alex knew that he deserved it.   After all, Alex was a constant disappointment to everyone that he met, why shouldn’t he be punished?  And he never knew when to shut his mouth.  He was constantly defensive, and his words were the only way he knew how to protect himself.

* * *

 

_ John _

John Laurens was in his room, sitting at his desk with his head bent over the paper that he was working on.  He was drawing.  That’s what he usually did when he got back from Hell.  That what he called the church meetings.  He thought that it was an apt name.  It always relaxed him, and he always needed to be relaxed after that.  He drew everything: people, landscapes, and really anything that came to his mind.  He especially loved drawing animals, and he had pages of his sketchbook dedicated to them.  A knock on the door broke his concentration. The knock was immediately followed by the sound of the door opening.  Whoever it was didn’t even wait for a response.  John knew that it must be his father.  He quickly covered the drawing he was working on currently with his math homework.  He knew that his father thought that art was a waste of time.  Henry Laurens wanted John to get a job doing something he thought was more practical, like law or politics.

“Son, I just came up to tell you that I will be leaving on a business trip tomorrow night.”  John was used to the cold tone that his father used with him.  “Your mother will be here, but for God’s sake, please don’t bother her.  I’m sure you will be able to take care of yourself.”  That was all John ever did.  Take care of himself.

“Yeah, I can manage.”  The tone John used with his father was equally cold as the one his father used with him.

“Good.  And I’m glad to see that you’re doing school work instead of fooling around like you usually do.”  John could feel his temper starting to boil up, but he knew that arguing would be useless.  

His father then left the room, closing the door behind him.  John leaned back in his chair, and breathed a sigh of relief.  He couldn’t stand being in the same room with the man he was forced to call his father.  Hiding whatever he was working on as soon as someone entered the room wasn’t unusual for John.  But today he had an even better reason for hiding it.  For some reason his mind was fixated on that new boy he met at church.  Alexander Hamilton.  Met might be the wrong word, because they had never actually spoken directly to each other, but there was something about him.  That something about him must be the reason three pages in John Laurens’ sketchbook were now filled with sketches of Alexander Hamilton.

* * *

 

_ Alex _

Sunday morning meant that it was time for church, and after Saturday, Alex was sure that he already had been there enough to last a lifetime.  Since his father went with him, Alex didn’t have the option of walking.  He didn’t usually like walking, but when given the option of being stuck in the car with his father, or walking a couple blocks, Alex would gladly take the latter.  The car ride, as usual, was consumed by an awkward silence.  His father, who sober now, never mentioned what he did to Alex, and he certainly never apologized.  Alex knew better than to bring it up, and they had sort of a silent agreement.  Everything would be alright as long as Alex didn’t anything about it.  To anyone.  And everything  _ would  _ be alright.  That is until the next time that his father got drunk, and the entire cycle would happen again.

On Saturdays the church was usually quiet, but on Sundays it was always packed.  Alex always hated how loud it was.  And all of those people who would surely hate him if they knew that he wasn’t straight.  He sat down in a pew next to his father.  Usually he tried not to look around too much, and he tried to just focus on what was right in front of him.  But this time he found his eyes scanning the crowd for that boy that he had seen yesterday.  He found him soon enough sitting with the people who he assumed to be his father, mother, and younger siblings. He stood out to Alex because he could tell that behind his seemingly carefree exterior, that there was a lot of pain. And Alex knew all about that. He that John was in the same grade as him, but he wasn't sure of they shared any classes. Alex wasn't always very observant, and it was possible that they shared classes and Alex had just never noticed. He didn't think that there was anyone else in his school who was... like him. He thought that he was alone. 

* * *

_ John _

For the Laurens family, going to church was a big event. They went every week, but that didn't make it less important for the family. They all had to be wearing their best clothes. That meant that John and his brothers all wore suits, and his sister wore a dress that was only worn for church on Sundays. Henry Laurens had an image to keep up after all, so he couldn't have anything less than perfection in his own family.  Church always made John nervous, but he would never show it.  Everyone there knew his father, so they all felt the need to try to make small talk with the entire family.  If he had to tell one more little old lady how school was going, he thought that he would explode.  Today was looking around for someone in particular.  He saw Alexander next to a man who he assumed was his father.  John noticed that the boy’s dark brown eyes were darting around everywhere.  He looked almost frightened that someone would notice him.  John wondered who he was looking for.

******

As the service began, Alex tried to drown out everything that was being said.  It was easier that way.  

John would sometimes pay attention in church, but that was only because sometimes his father would ask him questions about what he thought about it.  But on this particular Sunday, John’s mind was occupied thinking about the boy who sat on the opposite side of the church.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also I don't know how these kinds of church services work.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oops this one's short because school exists.

_ Alex _

Monday morning came, and Alex rolled out of bed tired and still sore.  He had gotten used to wearing sweatshirts, even if it was hot out.  He didn’t need people seeing his arms and asking questions.  Alex walked to school every morning, and back home again in the afternoon.  He never asked his father for a ride, (he knew that he wouldn’t get one) and the school wasn’t that far away from his home.  He found the walk relaxing, and almost peaceful.  He liked school because it gave him a chance to get out of the house.  He would do anything just to get out of the house, so that he could breathe easy again.  His school wasn’t that big, and he had been going there for a while; ever since he had moved there from St. Croix.  Even though he had been attending school there for a while, he still didn’t really have friends.  He had a few people who would talk to him now and then, but mostly he went through his days alone.  He didn’t mind; it gave him time to think.  

Alex was in homeroom when he realized that John Laurens probably thought that he was a jerk.   _ He probably recognized me on Saturday, and expected me to say something then.  I’m a fucking idiot,  _ Alex thought as he saw the one person he had hoped not to see.  John Laurens, with his bright green eyes and his curly hair.  Alex knew that he didn’t pay attention to many people, but he still felt bad that he hadn’t shown the boy any signs of recognition.   _ He probably hates me too. _  Alex’s mind had a seemingly endless supply of intrusive, negative commentary.  Alex hadn’t realized that he was still staring until John looked up and met his gaze.   _ Fuck,  _ Alex thought, quickly dropping his gaze to the floor.  He glanced back up slightly, not enough to be noticed, just to seeing John smiling in his direction.   _ He’s probably just laughing at me.   _ Alex knew that John wouldn’t want to talk to him.  He also hoped that John didn’t say anything to him about church on Saturday.  Alex didn’t want anyone to overhear; he had enough people who didn’t like him for different reasons, and if they found out that he was bisexual...  Alex didn’t want to think about it.  

* * *

 

_ John _

John Laurens walked to and from school, despite what his father said about keeping up “appearances”.  John didn’t care about that.  He didn’t care about who saw him.  He did sometimes get lonely on the walk to school.  His younger siblings all got driven to school by some guy that his father had hired.  The last thing he wanted to do was be completely dependant on his father’s money.  When John got to homeroom, he sat in his usual seat, next to his friend Hercules.  They had been friends for a few years, and he was the only person outside of John’s family that knew that he was gay.  Well, there were the people at church who knew, but that was all strictly confidential.  Henry Laurens made it very clear that he didn’t want his son’s  preferences to ruin his good political standing.  There were times that John sometimes wanted to tell everybody, just to see his father’s horrified reaction, but John knew that the brief feeling of satisfaction wouldn’t last.  His father would probably send him to reform school or something; and if he went there he wouldn’t be able to see-  There he was.  Alexander.  With those dark eyes that looked like they held wisdom behind their years.  John felt as though Alexander would be able to know anybodies secrets before they ever told him.  John realized that he was staring intently at the other boy, so he turned his head back to face Hercules.

“Bro, it looks like that short kid is staring at you.”

“Who do you mean?”  John turned his back around, even though he had a suspicion about who his friend was talking about.  Sure enough, this time it was Alexander who was doing to staring, looking like he was lost in thought, but no sooner had John turned around, Alex looked down.  He looked almost embarrassed that he had been caught staring.  John didn’t know how he could look so adorable.  He gave the boy a smile; his way of showing that it was alright.  Even though he was looking down, John hoped that he had seen.  John didn’t know whether he should go say hello or not.  It wasn’t like they had ever talked before, but after Saturday he felt like they shared something special.  A common thing between them, that had the potential to bring them closer.  But he didn’t know how Alex would react.  He probably didn’t want any reminders.  Maybe that’s why he didn’t say anything to him; he didn’t want anyone else to know.  John could definitely sympathize with that.  He didn’t  _ have  _ to bring it up, he could just say hello and be friendly.  That’s what he would do, nothing more, he tried to convince himself.  He didn’t know why he was making such a big deal about this.  He had hardly noticed the boy before, but now he looked at him differently.

“Hey Herc, I just have to go talk to someone, I’ll be back in a second.”  John made his way to the side of the room where Alexander was sitting by himself.  It was now or never John told himself.

“Um, hi.  I don’t know if you remember me, but I’m John Laurens.”  Alexander looked startled when John started talking to him, almost as if no one ever approached him just to be friendly.

“Yeah, I remember.  I’m Alexander Hamilton, but you can call me Alex.”  He stuck out his hand for John to shake, like this was a more formal introduction than their previous one.  John returned the gesture happily.  He couldn’t help but be a little surprised when Alex seemed so eager to talk with him.  Usually the kids who sit alone are the shy ones, but Alex seemed to be perfectly sociable.  Even on Saturday, he had heard him when he was arguing with Mr. Burr.  Nobody ever did that.  He wondered why he chose to sit alone.

* * *

 

Alex

When Alex saw John Laurens walking towards him, his heart rate increased dramatically.  He didn’t know what he was going say, or what he was going to do.  He had seemed nice enough before, but Alex could never be sure.  All lot of people who he thought were “nice enough” turned out to be pretty bad.  Alex prepared himself to do what he usually did when he talked to people; put on a bubbly exterior and try to be friendly.  People were less likely to hurt him if he acted pleasantly towards them.  Alex had learned that lesson the hard way.      

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol I know nothing really happened in this one, but I'm just building stuff up. Interesting things will happen, I swear.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is entirely in Alex's POV, oops.

“It’s fine if you don’t want to or anything, but I was wondering if you might want to maybe go to the cafe with me after school.”  John’s words sounded rushed; almost nervous as he spoke.  “It’s the one that’s near the school, I’ve been there before and it’s really nice.  But you can totally say no.”  

“No that sounds great. I'll see you then.”

“So I’ll meet you out in the parking lot after school then?”

“I’ll be there.”

“Great.  I’ll see you around.”

Alex’s heart was still beating at an alarming rate. So that was really weird.  John Laurens just asked him if he wanted to meet after school.  Rich kids with influential fathers never did that.   _ He probably just feels bad for me.  That’s all.  Nothing more.   _ Alex didn’t want anybody’s sympathy, but he wouldn’t say no to someone actually attempting to be nice.   _ As long as he doesn’t have an ulterior motive.   _ Terrific.  Now he had another thing to worry about.  What if he just ended up hurting him more?  That was the only reason Alex could see for John asking to meet him after school.  He  would just have to be extra careful.  

* * *

 

The school day passed by relatively quickly for Alex.  It always did.  He was always completely consumed in his work; after all, if he didn’t work harder he would never get anywhere.  He couldn’t let anything hold him back.  His teachers were all used to his work ethic, and almost all of them were impressed.  Of course there were always teachers who for some reason or another didn’t like him from day one.  Maybe it was because he always did the work about two or three months in advance, and the teachers annoyed that he didn’t wait for the rest of the class to catch up.  So it was a little surprising when the end of the day seemed to come so suddenly.  Alex had tried not to think about John for the rest of the school day, but that was hard because he now realized that he did in fact have a class with John.  It was his AP science class, and when he saw John enter the room, he immediately turned his head and started a conversation with the girl sitting next to him, and pretended that he didn’t notice.  Alex knew that there was no delaying there meeting any longer.  He went out to the parking lot and there, as promised, was John Laurens.  A part of him wished that the other boy wouldn’t show up, so he wouldn’t have to worry about what would happen.  But Alex never had been very lucky.

“Hi Alex!”  John’s voice had lost all traces of nervousness that it had had that morning.  “I’ve really been looking forward for this.”  Alex put on a fake smile.

“So have I.”  A lie.  He just hoped that John didn’t notice.  They started off down the street, making small talk about nothing really important.  He even made Alex laugh a few times.  A real, genuine laugh.  Almost no one could ever get him to laugh like that.  No one except his mother.   It had been so long since he had laughed for real, he himself had almost forgotten what it sounded like.   Alex thought that he was acting friendly enough, but he could never be too careful.  He didn’t know if he could trust him yet.  

John was right when he had said that it was a nice cafe.  The large sign above the door said the name of the place in large cursive script.   _ The Schuyler Cafe.   _ Alex had never been in there before, but for some reason it made him feel comfortable; almost safe.  There was a decent amount of people in the cafe, and the low buzzing of all of their voices mixing together was oddly relaxing for him.  He wondered if the Schuyler that it was named after was any relation to Schuylers that went to his school.  He knew that there were three of them, all in different grades, but he didn’t know much else.

John lead him over to a table that was next to a large window.

“This is my favorite place to sit when I come here.  It is kind of weird being here with someone, because I usually come alone.”

“Well, I’m glad that you invited me; I really like it here.”

“It really is a great place.  You know Angelica Schuyler, right?  Her family owns it, and she was the one who showed it to me.”  So it was the same same family.

“I don’t really know her I’m afraid, but I do recognize the name.  Don’t her two sisters go to our school as well?”

“Siblings,” John corrected immediately.  “The younger one, Peggy, is agender.”

“Sorry, I didn’t know.  Pronouns?”

“That’s alright, they use they/them.”

“Thanks for letting me know.”  Alex allowed himself to give John the slightest hint of a real smile out of gratitude.

“No problem.  I should probably introduce you to the three of them some day; I feel like you would get along really well.”

“That would be nice.  I’ve heard a lot of good things about them.  Especially that one with the long black hair.  Eliza, I think?”

“Yes, Eliza Schuyler.  She is, as the kids would say, a precious cinnamon roll, too good for this world, too pure.”

Alex once again surprised himself with a real laugh.  He couldn’t help but notice that when he did, John’s face noticeably brightened.  As their conversation went on, he became more and more comfortable with John.  That was broken when John asked him a question that he had been dreading, but had managed to forget for a while when he was with John.

“So about last Saturday... do you want to talk about it or anything?”  Alex stiffened.  He didn’t want to talk about it, but he guessed that he would have to now.  “I didn’t want to say anything to you about in school just incase you didn’t want anybody to know.”  Alex was incredibly relived that he hadn’t said anything.

“Thank you, I don’t think I’m ready for the entire population of our school knowing that I’m not straight.”  John laughed slightly.  Alex decided that he liked it when John laughed.

“Don’t worry, I totally get it.  Only one other person besides you and my family know, and my father would probably disown me if anyone else found out.”  Alex understood.

“You’re dad is a politician, right?”

“Yeah, he is probably the most conservative Republican I have ever seen.”

“Me and my dad don’t exactly see eye to eye either.”  That wasn’t even the half of it, but John didn’t need to know about all of Alex’s problems.  He didn’t want John to feel bad for him, but mostly he didn’t want his father finding out that he had told anyone.  

Alex felt that he and John had more of an understanding now, but that didn’t mean that Alex could trust him yet. 

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this instead of doing homework. Enjoy!  
> French translations are in the end notes.

_Alex_

Alex didn’t know what to think about John suddenly being nice to him.  He wasn’t used to that, and certainly not from someone like John Laurens. Despite Alex's better judgement, he enjoyed being with John. He would be lying if he didn't admit that he enjoyed being around him. He had a certain way of lighting up whatever room he was in. It had been a while since Alex had let his guard down like that. He was almost looking forward to the church group. Almost. He would never willing go there, not even to see John. If he never had to see Aaron Burr again in his lifetime, that would be a real blessing. 

When Saturday finally rolled around, Alex knew where he would be going that morning. The walk to the church was a little easier this time around because he knew what to expect. Just another person telling him what a disappointment he was.  All he had to do was shut Aaron Burr out, and he would be fine. It was also easier because he know knew someone. A friend? Alex didn't know if he and John were friends. He didn't know why anybody would want to be friends with him. Nevertheless, Alex still felt a bit better knowing that John would be there. It was like their secret; something between them that no one at their school could know about or be apart of. It was theirs.  Even though he was a little more confident, walking down into the basement of the church still made him incredibly nervous.  The same group of people were all there again.  All of them with their eyes trained on the floor.  All of the ashamed.  This time however, Alex decided to sit next to John instead of across from him.  They exchanged small smiles but nothing more.  This was not the place for friendliness, and in a place like this, even a small glance at a male friend might get him burned at the stake or something.  Mr. Burr was once again in the middle of the circle; keeping watch over everyone there.

“I think we are just waiting on one more new boy and then we can begin.”  Mr. Burr checked his watch.  Alex wondered who else was coming, and why they had to be there.  Soon his questions were answered when an incredibly tall person came down the stairs and entered the basement. One of the first things that Alex noticed about this stranger was the eyeliner. It was winged flawlessly out from the corner of their eyes, and it gave them an incredibly intense look. 

“Bonjour, I guess.”  The new person glided effortlessly into the circle, and sat down next to Alex. Alex previously didn't think that it was possible to literally feel the confidence radiating off of a person. 

“It's nice to see another young soul here ready to be saved. Your foster parents told me you would be attending. Would you like to introduce yourself?”

“Oui, monsieur.  I am Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette, but you can simply call me Lafayette.”

“Could you tell us why you are here today?”

“Because my foster parents believe that it is their duty to God to save me from this ‘unhealthy lifestyle’ by sending me here. You see, I am genderfluid.”  Alex knew what was coming, and he could probably say it along with Mr. Burr. 

“You  _ think _ that you are genderfluid. You'll never recover if you don't keep faith that this is just a phase.  You are simply confused, and one day you will grow up to truly be a man of God.”

“That might happen, if I was actually a man.  I use they/them pronouns by the way, so I would ask you to respect that.”

“one day you'll realize how ridiculous this all is,  _ young man.”   _ alex once again found himself infuriated with the self righteous manner in which Burr spoke. He decided to speak his mind.

“Actually Mr. Burr, I think that you're wrong. I don't think that  _ they're  _ confused, I think that you are confused. You can't bring yourself to realize that sexualty and gender aren't as black and white as you thought, so if they say that they are genderfluid than you better goddamn respect that.”

“Mr. Hamilton!  Watch your language in the house of The Lord.”  Alex didn't think he had ever heard Mr. Burr raise his voice before.  He usually was quite calm, but Alex knew how to push his buttons.  “I apologize for that Mr. Hamilton, I did not mean to snap out at you like that.  You just haven’t learned yet what is right and what is wrong.”

“I think I have a pretty good idea, and I know what you are saying is wrong.”  Alex was getting angrier and angrier, and he started to stand up out of his chair, looking like he was preparing himself for a fight.  Before he could get another word out however, he felt a hand grabbing his arm.  He whipped his head around, trying to ignore the pain that came from the bruises on his arm.

“Merci mon ami, but you do not need to stand up for me.  I’m used to people like him.”

“Mais je ne peux pas le laisser parler de vous comme ça.”

“Vous parlez français très bien mon ami.  Mais je ne veux toujours pas que vous obtenez en difficulté.”

“Vous ne méritez pas d'être méprisés comme ça.”

“Gentlemen, could we maybe go back to English please?”

“Of course Mr. Burr, we would  _ never  _ want you to think that we were talking about you behind your back.”  Alex smiled at Mr. Burr like he had done nothing wrong.  For a brief second he felt like he was in control.

* * *

_ John _

John loved listening to Alex talk.  He knew it was kind of weird, and that his father definitely would not approve, but he couldn’t help it.  He especially noticed it when he was arguing with Burr.  He had something akin to fire in his eyes, and he could practically see the flames leaping out.  John felt pity for anyone who had to have that directed towards them.  Or maybe he didn’t, because he knew Alex would never argue with someone without a good reason.  He was also pleasantly surprised when Alex had suddenly started speaking French.  John took French in school, and had never seen him in any of his classes, so he must have learned it at home.  When he thought about it, it really wasn’t very surprising that he was fluent in more than one language, given that Alexander Hamilton was easily the smartest person in their grade.  Most of all, he loved that Alex had stood up for something he believed in.  In John’s mind that meant that no one would ever be able to take advantage of Alex.  No one could ever hurt someone who always fought back so passionately.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know French that well, so a lot of this is from Google Translate.
> 
> mais je ne peux pas le laisser parler de vous comme ça - but i can't let him talk to you like that  
> vous parlez français très bien mon ami - you speak French very well my friend  
> Mais je ne veux toujours pas que vous obtenez en difficulté - but i still don't want you to get in trouble  
> Vous ne méritez pas d'être méprisés comme ça - you don't deserve to be disrespected like that


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> protectalex2k16

_ John _

John was starting to notice certain things about Alex that worried him.  He hadn’t known him for very long, but there was something about the boy that made John care about him.  He didn’t know how Alex felt about him, but John loved being friends with him.  It was amazing to watch when he started talking about something he was passionate about.  But there were a few things that John had been noticing more and more recently.  The way his friend would flinch slightly if someone raised their voice or when someone touched him unexpectedly.  John hadn’t thought much of it before, because he had always seemed so confident and sure of himself.  Alex seemed like he was comfortable with John, but now he wasn’t so sure.  If John’s hand so much as brushed by Alex’s arm, he would pull his arm back immediately, and his body would stiffen like he was expecting something worse.  He just wanted to make sure everything was okay.

* * *

_ Alex/both?  _

Alex hated himself for letting himself get close to John.  He hated that he was started to trust him.  Nothing ever good came out of him trusting anyone.  He also didn’t want to let John down.  Alex knew that he was hard to be friends with, and he just didn’t think that he deserved to be cared about.  He was a disappointment.  He was bisexual, he talked too much, and his father blamed him for anything that went wrong.  When he was twelve years old, his dad told him that it was his fault that his mom had died.  Apparently it was Alex who had gotten his mother sick, even though they were both ill at the same time.  His father never forgave him that he had lived, and his mother had died.  There were times that he felt like he wanted to tell John everything; to have him tell him that everything would be okay.  But he was too scared.  He knew what his father would do if he found out that he had told someone, and he didn’t want to just hand John all of his problems and expect him to make everything better.  Nobody could make everything better.  Not even John Laurens and his bright green eyes.  

Alex and John were just getting out of science when John asked him to follow him.  John led him down a hallway that he didn’t normally go down.  It was mostly empty; the only people were a few teachers in their classrooms.  There was no one around who would be able to hear them, and Alex was a little scared.  He knew that he shouldn’t be; he knew that John would never do anything to hurt him.  He hoped.  He knew that his fears were irrational, but that didn’t stop him.

“John, whatever I did, I’m really sorry.”  Alex was wringing his hands over and over again.

“Alex, don’t worry, you didn’t do anything wrong.  It’s my fault, I should have told you before I dragged you down to an empty corridor.”  John started to reach out to put a comforting hand on Alex’s shoulder, but he pulled away when he remembered why they were here.  “It’s just that I’m worried about you, that’s all.  I don’t want you to get hurt.  I just want you to know that whatever you’re going through, I’m here for you.”  Alex wanted to believe him-he really did, but he also didn’t want anyone to know.

“I-I don’t know what you’re talking about.”  Alex tried to sound sure of himself; like he wasn’t about to cry.  He couldn’t show weakness.  Weakness isn’t what got him to America.

“Alex, I get that you might not want to talk about it, and I can respect that.  But it’s kind of hard when it involves you getting hurt.  I really care about you Alex, I want you to know that.”

“It’s nothing.  There’s nothing wrong.”  Alex’s voice was breaking, and starting to betray his self assured words.  John then grabbed Alex’s arm; grabbed it before he could pull it back.  He slowly rolled up the sleeve of the shorter boy’s sweatshirt.  It was there that John’s fears were confirmed.  Purple bruises were spread all up and down Alex’s thin arm.

“Alex I-”  Alex pulled his arm back and looked down.  Ashamed.  He could feel a tear slowly making his way down his cheek.

“John stop.  I’m sorry.”  John sat down on the floor, his back leaning against the wall, and he motioned for Alex to follow him.  He did so, even though it was very hesitantly.

“No, it’s not your fault.  You never have to apologize for this.  Just tell me, was it your dad who did this?”  Alex nodded slowly; tears still silently falling.  John pulled Alex closer to him, and for once he did not pull away.  He wrapped his arms around the boy who was shaking slightly.  John wished that he could make everything better.  “It's alright, no one is going to hurt you now. I’m right here.”  Alex burried his face in John’s shoulder. Alex’s hair was soft and smelled wonderful.  John would have gladly stayed right there in that hallway with with him forever, just so that he would know that he was safe.  They had been sitting there in silence for a few minutes when Alex finally looked up at John.  He wasn’t crying so hard anymore, and the shaking had mostly stopped.

“You can leave if you want.  I don’t want you to be late for class just because of me.”

“You’re much more important to me than school.  I can stay with you as long as you want.”  Alex managed a shaky smile.  No one had ever offered to do that for him before.

“I really do appreciate all of this, but you can’t tell anyone.”  Alex’s dark brown eyes were wide and full of fear.  “No one else can know.”  His voice was barely audible, hardly more than a whisper.

“But he can’t keep doing this to you, Alex.  Please, just tell someone and everything will be fine.”

“No, I can’t do that.  Besides, what if I deserve it?”  His voice was slightly angry.  “I deserve it because I’ll never be good enough.  I have to make up for that somehow.”  It felt like a stab in John’s heart to hear these words.

“You deserve only good things, and I want to make sure you get them.”

“You don’t understand.  I just end up disappointing everyone.  I end up hurting everyone who gets close to me.”

“You could never disappoint me, Alex.”  

They were looking straight into each other's eyes, and for once Alex thought that he might be able to trust someone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your comments give me life, i love


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some of the dialogue in this is really awkward, it's late, I'm sorry.

_Alex_

Alex can’t breathe.  Everything around him is moving, but he is frozen.  He is helpless.  It’s all moving so fast, but it’s so silent.  There is nothing, where there should be something.  Everything is out of his control; everything is being destroyed.  He wakes up.  He was covered in sweat.  The sheets on his bed were thrown off, his pillow was by his feet.  This was unfortunately not a new experience for him.  Storms often haunted his dreams.  He wanted to escape.

* * *

_John_

John had previously felt safer when his father wasn’t home, but know he just felt guilty.  It wasn’t like his father had ever physically hurt him like Alex’s did, and he should probably have felt grateful that he had it so good.  Well, it was good in comparison to Alex’s life, because from what John could see, the other boy had absolutely nothing good in his life.  John wanted to be something in Alex’s life that he could be happy about.  He just needed to figure out a way to help him, without making him mad because he had told someone.  It’s not like there were a lot of adults that John trusted with information like that.  He just wanted to see Alex smile.  

The next morning, as John walked to school, he decided that he would start slowly building Alex’s trust. It was obvious that it wouldn’t be easy; he had been hurt far too many times for it to be easy.  He had to make sure that Alex knew that he would never hurt him.

When he got to school, his plans had to be put on hold because of the sudden appearance of a new student.  HIs eyes were immediately drawn to the center of the classroom where they were standing.  Although he had only seen them once, John could never forget this person.  It was the tall kid who introduced themself as Lafayette at the last lbtqa+ hate session on Saturday.  John went up to them out of curiosity mostly; they had a strange air of mystery around them, and John couldn’t help but want to know more about them.

“You’re Lafayette, right?”

“Oui, c’est moi.  I remember you, you are friends with le petit lion who defended me last Saturday, non?”

“Yeah, that’s Alex.  I’m John Laurens.”

“It’s nice to meet you.  I’m afraid that your Alex will not have the chance to stand up for me again.  I don’t think I will returning to that place again.”  John was slightly distracted by the fact that they had said _your_ Alex.

“Why not?”

“I was moved to another foster family in the area, and they were horrified that I was forced to go to a place like that.”

“That’s really great.  I’m glad that you are in a better place now.”

“So am I.  As soon as that Burr guy gave me a pamphlet that said, ‘ _Real Men Love Jesus_ ’ I knew I had to get out of there.”

“Who are you staying with now?  Maybe I know them.”

“George and Martha Washington.”

“I think my father knows Mr. Washington.  Some political thing probably.”

“Oui, Mr. Washington is a retired politician.”  John was going to continue talking but at that moment he heard Alex’s voice, and turned around just in time to see him walk in.

“Sorry, but I have to go.  Can I get your number?”

“Of course mon ami.  Oh, and please thank Alex for me.”  John walked away from Lafayette with their name in his phone.  They had entered it as, ‘ **Laf (multiple French flag emojis)** ’  John smiled when he saw that.  He approached Alex slowly, unsure if anything had changed between them.

“Hey.”

“Hey.”  John was relieved to see that Alex alright.  Even though, John thought, he probably wasn’t alright.  He had no idea what his father did to him when he got home.  He was just so good at hiding it.  He decided that it was time to start putting his plan into action.

“I was thinking, maybe you might want to come over to my house after school. Don’t worry,” he added quickly, “my father isn’t home.”

“That would be nice.”  Alex gave him one of his small smiles, and John’s heart nearly melted.

* * *

_Alex_

They were sitting together in John’s room after school.  Alex was still trying to take in all of his surroundings.  The Laurens’ house was large and beautiful.  It was just the kind of house that he expected John to live in.  John had introduced him to his mother and siblings as his friend from school- they didn’t need to know where they had noticed each other for the first time.  John’s room was actually the attic, but he said he liked it up there because it gave him some privacy.  Compared to the rest of the house, it wasn’t particularly extravagant, and it had a sort of welcoming feeling.  It had been a long time until Alex had gone to a friends house.  He noticed the multiple sketchbooks that John had on and around his desk.  He didn’t know that he was into art.  He supposed that there were a lot of things that he didn’t know about John.  Like why he was being so nice to him.  While they were sitting, they just talked and talked endlessly about nothing in particular.  Even though being with John made him feel a little bit safer than he usually did, he was still worrying about the fact that John knew his biggest secret.

“You haven’t told anyone, right?”

“About your dad?  Of course not.  You told me not to, so I didn’t.”

“Thank you.”  

“We don’t have to keep talking about it if you don’t want to, but I had some questions.”  Alex inhaled sharply.  “I get it if you don’t want to talk about it, I just want to make sure you’re not in serious danger.”

“It’s alright, you can ask whatever you want, it’s just that I’ve never told anyone before so I’m not used to it.”  John slid a little bit closer to Alex where he was sitting on the floor.

“Will you be alright if I hold your hand?”  Alex nodded.  Even though he was expecting it, Alex still flinched slightly at John’s touch.  “When did it start?”

“It was after my mom died, and it just got worse and worse over the years.”

“How often?”  John was purposely trying to keep his questions short and open ended, and Alex appreciated that he was giving him the opportunity to talk.

“It’s usually after he goes out drinking, which is usually three or four times a week.  And every Saturday when I get home from church.”  Alex said the last part so quietly, John had to struggle to hear him.

“I wish you would let me do something; you can’t keep living like this.  It’s not really living.”  Alex closed his eyes and breathed in slowly.

“I wish.  But anything I do would just make things worse.”  He opened his eyes again just in time to see John turning to face him.  John leaned in closer, and Alex’s breath stopped.  He was frozen, but not in a terrifying way like in his dreams.  He was getting closer and closer, when suddenly there was a loud knock on the door, and John pulled away immediately and stood up, facing the door apprehensively.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lowkey cliffhanger. sorrynotsorry
> 
> My brother was listening to country music in the car as usual, (s e n d h e l p) and a song came on called 'Real Men Love Jesus', and I had to add it here.
> 
> If you want to scream about Hamilton with me, find me on tumblr @ lost-in-alltimelow


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyyyy

_ John _

“Mom said that you and your friend can come down for dinner now.”  It was only Martha, one of John’s younger sisters. Although John didn't know it, Alex was extremely grateful for the interruption. Once his sister closed the door and he could hear her footsteps go down the stairs, John once again turned to face Alex, but this time it was apologetically. 

“I shouldn't have tried to kiss you, I'm so sorry.  I know you don’t feel that way about me, god i’m such an idiot.”  His  words were gushing out rapidly, and there was a slight blush rising in his cheeks.  Alex was staring down at his hands; unable to meet John’s eyes. 

“I think I should probably go. Tell your mom, thanks for offering, but I can't stay for dinner.” Alex stood up and started making his way towards the door. 

“Alex, can we please talk about this?”

“I don't want to talk about it!”  John was startled by Alex’s sudden change in volume, and shrank back. “I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yell, I'm just not ready for anything like that.”

“I shouldn't have just assumed- I don't want this to change anything.  You're one of my best friends, and I don't want to lose you.”

“It's alright John, just don't do it again okay. I really do like you, but I'm not ready to someone like that again.”

“Again?”  John knew he probably went too far with the questions again. “It's alright if you don't want to talk about it.”

“No, it's fine. It's probably for the best that  _ someone _ knows the real story.  Not what my dad would want people to believe.”  Alex sat down on the edge of John’s bed, and John quickly went over to join him. “Until a couple of weeks ago, I was going out with guy named Thomas Jefferson.”

“That dick in the grade above us? That Thomas Jefferson?”

“Yeah, that's the one. And I don't think that dick really covers how bad he really is.”

“What did he do?  I swear to god, if he ever hurt you-”

“No, it was nothing like that. I mean, he did hurt me, but not physically.”  John felt slightly relieved when he said that, but not much. “He was the one who told my dad that I was bisexual.”

“He outed you to your dad? Didn't he know how dangerous that is for you?”

“Oh he definitely did know. That's why he did it.”  Alex took a deep breath, and the his next words looked like they were painful for him to say. “He tricked me into believing that he actually liked me, when all he wanted to do was hurt me.  He never really cared about me. No one ever really cared about me.”  With every word that Alex spoke, John’s heart broke more and more. He didn't understand how people could be so terrible to someone like Alex. “After he did it, he told me that I would never find someone who would love me. He said I’ll probably just die alone and unwanted.” John didn’t say it, but he would do anything to make sure that didn’t happen to Alex.

“If it makes any difference, I care about you.”

“I want to believe that. I want to believe that more than anything, but I just can't. You understand why, don't you?”  John didn't feel offended that Alex couldn't trust him yet. He knew it would probably take a long time, if it even ever happened. He did notice that Alex was starting to open up to him more and more, which was definitely a step in the right direction, but he couldn't help but wonder what other secrets the boy could be hiding.

“I get it.  Just know that I be there whenever you need me.”

“Thank you.”

“You know you could stay for dinner if you wanted.”

“I should probably still be getting home.  I don’t want to make my dad angry, and he gets pretty bad if I’m not home by a certain time.”

“Then you should definitely get going, I don’t want anything happening to you.  Text me when you get home, alright?”

“Of course.”  John walked Alex down stairs and to the front door.

“I’ll see you tomorrow then.  Be careful.”

“Goodnight, John.”

“Goodnight.”

When John shut the door he sighed out loud.  He told his mother that he wasn’t hungry, and that he would just be up in his room.  Once he got there, he lay sprawled over his bed thinking about Alex.  He didn’t want to fall for him, he knew he shouldn’t fall for him.  And yet here he was.  Thinking too much about the boy with the dark brown eyes, and the beautiful brown hair.  If only Alex could see how beautiful he really was.

* * *

 

_ Alex _

On his walk home, all Alex could think about was John.  About how he almost kissed him.  About how if they hadn’t been interrupted, he probably would have kissed him back.  He was thankful that John’s sister had come in when she did, because Alex knew how impulsive he could be. Admitting that he had feelings for John would be the worst possible thing that he could do right now.  He didn’t want to build up his hopes, only to have them crushed yet again.  How could someone like John Laurens ever actually like him.  It was a ridiculous notion, and it was one that would probably lead to him getting hurt again.  His mind was at the same place that it had been when they had first met;  _ he’s just going to throw you away, he’s just going to throw you away, he’s just-  _ He needed to stop thinking like that.  He didn’t know how.  He decided to simply stop thinking about it altogether for the remainder of his walk home.  It worked until he got to his front door, where he pulled out his phone to text John.

Alex:  _ I made it home _

John:  _ Good _

John:  _ I’ll see you tomorrow _

John’s response had come immediately after he had sent the text. He hopped that he hadn’t been worrying about him.  Then he noticed the time.  He was five minutes late.   _ Fuck.   _ He opened the door quietly, hoping that his dad wouldn’t notice.  He did notice.  His father had apparently been standing by the door, just waiting for him to come home.  Waiting for him to be late.

“You’re five minutes late.  Where were you?  Fucking some guy in an alley?”

“I was just with a friend. I’m sorry I’m late, it won’t happen again.”

_ “ _ You’re damn right it won’t happen again.”

When Alex made his way up the stairs ten minutes later, he knew that the bruises would be especially bad this time.  They always hurt more when his father was sober.  He could feel the pain consuming him, and he barely made it up the stairs before he passed out. __

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know how often I can update over the upcoming week, because of an excessive amount of homework. It might not change anything, or it might mean a chapter is a day late. (like I even have a schedule lol)


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's late, so my brain isn't functioning very well, so blame any errors on that.

_ Alex _

Alex came into school the next day with his eye almost completely swollen shut. It had raised a few questions, but he said that he had simply run into a door.  He said that until John asked him.  As soon as John saw him, he rushed over to ask what happened.   He couldn’t lie to him, not after all that he had done for him.  And besides, he already knew what happened to him at home.

**“** God fucking dammit Alex. He did it again, didn't he. I’m so sorry. If I could something to stop it, I would.”

“It’s fine, it’s not your fault, it’s mine. I was the one who was late.”

“But you shouldn’t have been punished like this. Nobody should.”  John’s eyes held such sincerity that Alex almost wanted to believe him.  Believe that he was worth more than this.  “Are you sure you still don’t want me to tell someone?  Because I will if you tell me it’s okay.  I hate seeing you like this.”

“Please don’t say anything, I’ll take care of things myself when I can.”  Alex was used to taking care of things by himself.  If he didn’t do it himself, something would go wrong; it always did.  

“I know you won’t believe me yet, but I would really do anything for you.”  Alex smiled in return, but it was a weak smile because a large portion of his face was still in pain.

“I really do appreciate it.”

“Have you gotten your eye checked by the nurse yet? You should probably make sure that it’s not serious or anything.” He did not want to go to the nurse, or anybody who might ask him questions.  Questions needed answers, and he wasn’t sure how long it would be until someone realized that he was lying.  His fidgeting hands were what clued John into his apprehension.  ‘You know... I could go with you... if you wanted me to that is.”  Once again, Alex was exceedingly grateful.

“Would you, please?”

“Anything for you Alex, anything for you.”

* * *

_ John _

John didn’t know why he cared. Why he cared about this small boy with the long hair, who made him feel so alive after feeling nothing for so long. Maybe that was why. Alex brought out something in him, and he wasn’t quite sure what it was. It was almost like this protective instinct had been awaked that made him want to defend the boy who might not be as capable to defend himself as he wanted everyone to believe. Not that he thought Alex was weak or anything, he was obviously strong to have gone through so much and still be hanging in there. John knew how easy it could be to just want everything to be over; to want to feel nothing.  He knew without a doubt that Alex was stronger than him. He didn’t want to admit that he had more than friendly feelings toward the boy. After being told for so long that that way of thinking was wrong, he was falling faster than he thought was possible. It hurt to know that Alex mighty never feel the same way as he did, but John promised that he would be by his side until he did. Even if he never did, John still wouldn't leave. Even if it was just as friends. Wouldn’t his father just love to know that when he sent him to church to be cured, he fell deeper into this “sickness,” as his father called it. If falling in love with Alexander Hamilton was a sickness, John didn’t think that he ever wanted to get better.

* * *

 

_ Alex _

Alex was pacing back and forth in his bedroom doing one of the things he did best: overthinking things. If he was pacing, he could always think clearer, and that is what he needed to do to figure out what to do about John Laurens. He could could always give it a try. He could let him in. But there were far too many what ifs for him to feel safe. The only thing that he could do was push him away; no matter how hard it would be. Running away from his feelings was easier than having to face them. He didn’t want those feelings to be there.

As it turns out, it was hard for Alex to push John away.  They had gotten too close. They sat together at lunch, along with Hercules and Lafayette, they would walk together in the halls, they met often at the Schuyler cafe. Alex knew that their closeness would probably mean trouble for either one of them or both, but then again, self destructive habits were the most prominent part of Alex’s personality. He decided that he needed to put an end to all of that. He tried to avoid everyone at school. It wasn’t until John approached Alex with a slightly concerned, slightly annoyed look one day, that he realized that with his attempts to distance himself, he might be hurting John.

“Are you angry with me or something?”

“No.” Alex knew that he would have to do better than that. Monosyllabic answers were definitely not like him.

“Don’t lie to me. I can tell when you’re lying.” He sounded mad, which was not how John usually sounded. He was always so understanding.

“Really, everything is fine.” Alex started backing away slowly, and that made everything worse.

“And now you’re just going to leave? You’ve been acting distant all week. Don’t you dare leave without telling me why.” Alex was getting seriously scared by the way John was raising his voice. Whenever his dad raised his voice, he learned to expect the worst. “Aren’t you going to say something?! Don’t I deserve that much?”

“It’s just that I- I was scared about getting too close that’s all.”

“I’ve told you a million fucking times that I wouldn’t hurt you. Don’t you realize that it hurts me too?” Truthfully, Alex hadn’t realized. He wasn’t good at noticing those things in others.

“I’m really sorry I-”

“That’s all you say! You always just say that you’re sorry. Don’t you have anything else?” John was starting to get closer to Alex, which was not helping Alex’s level of fear at all. He was starting to shake.

“I don’t know what to do! I thought that you would understand, you always understand.”

“I’m not blaming you Alex. I’m just saying that you need help. Can’t you see that you need help, or you’ll never be able to get close to anyone. You’ll never have anyone.” Alex looked the other boy straight in the eye and said with his voice shaking ever so slightly,

“You know, you sound just like  _ him.  _ You sound exactly like Jefferson. That’s what he said to to me, and I’m beginning to think that maybe you’re both right.” Alex laughed, but it was a humorless laugh. “There will never be anyone who cares about me. I was stupid to think that you might be different. You’re just like the rest of them.”

“That’s not what I meant at all I just-” John’s voice had softened a bit, but Alex cut him off.

“What was I to you? A charity case? ‘Oh look, my daddy is rich, so let me take in this poor bastard so everyone thinks that I’m a little saint.’  But you are no saint, John Laurens. You are worse than the devil.”

“Okay, look, I’m really sorry about yelling, I’m just worried about you. It got out of control, I shouldn't have done that. It’s my fault.” He reached out his hand, and Alex jumped back like it was hot coals.

“Don’t you fucking touch me! You lost the right to touch me. You lost the right to even be near me.”

“Alex please listen, I don’t have the words to describe how sorry i am right now.”

“Good. Then maybe now you’ll shut up and leave me alone.”  With that, Alex turned on his heel and stalked off. What John didn’t see was five minutes later, in the bathroom, Alex was on the floor sobbing. He couldn’t even stand up, he was shaking so badly.

* * *

 

_ John _

John ran outside and screamed. He didn’t think anybody would be able to hear him from where he was.  Even if they could, he didn’t care. All he cared about was that he had hurt Alex. Possibly irreversibly. He honestly didn’t know what came over him. What scared him the most, was how much he resembled his father. He didn’t mean to get mad, he knew that Alex didn’t deserve any of that. All he wanted for Alex to be okay, and he ruined it. Like he always did. It was all his fault, he knew that. He shouldn’t expect forgiveness; he knew that he didn’t deserve it. If he could have one wish granted, it would be that he never scared Alex like that. That he never approached him about it at all. He knew full well how hard it was for Alex to trust people, and he had given him even more reasons. And then he compared him to Jefferson... that might have been the worst blow of them all. He didn’t want to remind him of that asshole.  Alex was finally starting to open up to him, then all of a sudden he stopped. It was almost like a switch had been flipped; one day they were as close as ever, and the next the boy had hardly glanced in his direction. He saw the impact his words had on him. How he was shaking and trying to get away from him.  _ He probably thought that I was going to hit him. _ That thought made John’s heart stop for a second. He was supposed to be the one who made everything better, not worse, and now Alex was scared of him too. He didn’t think he could possibly fuck up more than he already had. Everything was falling apart so fast. He needed to find a way to save everything. First he had to do something about Alex.  _ Alex.  _ A horrible thought came bursting into his mind.  _ He looked completely destroyed when he left. What if he does something stupid?  _ He needed to find him now. Before something even worse happened to him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And y'all thought it would all be sunshine and rainbows ;)


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I changed the tags a bit and added implied/referenced self harm, so stay safe mes amis.

_Alex_

Alex really wanted to hurt himself. It wasn’t a new feeling, and he knew that he would regret it if he acted on it. His head was spinning, and he could feel a dull, thudding ache. He didn't want to think any more. He had skipped the remainder of his classes; something that he had never done before. He just had to get away. He didn’t want to go back home, so instead he went to the public library. It wasn’t really a top destination for kids skipping school, but it was somewhere that Alex felt safe, and those places were hard to come by for him. He thought that maybe if he was at the library, he wouldn’t want to hurt himself anymore. All he needed was a distraction. He got lost in the rows of books, occasionally picking one up and reading a few chapters. Nobody noticed that he was there when he clearly should have been in in school, simply because no one was there to notice. Who goes to the library nowadays anyway? That’s why he went; so nobody could find him. It had been a few hours, and school was out. Alex had turned off his phone so he wouldn’t be tempted to see if John had texted him. But his curiosity was starting to get the better of him, and he had run out of anything interesting to read. He turned on his phone with apprehension; the feeling of nervousness only increasing as it starting powering up. What was he waiting for? What did he really want? He didn’t know if he wanted to see a text from John there or not. There wasn’t just one. 

There were eleven unread messages and three missed calls, all from John.

John:  _ I’m sorry _

John:  _ Please let me explain _

John: _ I need to try and make this better _

John:  _ Please let me _

John:  _ Alex? _

John: _ I’m really worried about you _

John:  _ Please just let me know that you’re safe _

John:  _ I know you hate me right now, and you have full right to do so, but just say something to let me know that you’re ok. _

John:  _ You never have to talk to me again, but please just say something _

John:  _ Please pick up your phone _

John:  _ Just tell me you’re alright _

The voicemails sounded even more desperate. In the first one, Alex could tell that he was trying to keep his voice calm.

“Alex, listen, I told you that I would never hurt you, and today I broke that promise, but I would doing anything to let you know that I won’t do it again. I know you have no reason to trust me, but please Alex, just let me make it up to you.”  

The next one sounded a bit more frantic.

“Alex? Where are you? I looked around the entire school and I can’t find you, and you’re not answering any of my texts. I don’t expect forgiveness, just tell me that wherever you are, you're safe.” Alex was starting to feel bad. No matter how much John had hurt him, that was still no reason to have him worry like this. He could have just sent him a single text, but no, he had to turn his phone off. In the next and last voicemail, John was crying. He could tell that he was outside form the sound of the wind.  _ He must have been looking me.  _ For a split second, Alex dared to believe that John cared about him. No. That was what had gotten him hurt in the first place, and he was not eager for that to happen again.

“Alex please just pick up your goddamn phone. I’m really worried, just tell me that you’re safe. Tell me that you didn’t try to hurt yourself. I could never live with myself if I made you- if you- No. I won’t think about that. Please just let me know that you’re alive.”  His last words struck Alex hard.  _ He thought that I could be dead, and I didn’t say anything.  _ It was clear that he was in pain. He was breathing heavily and his sobs were very evident. Alex couldn’t believe that that was his fault. He didn’t mean to scare him like that.

Alex: _I’m fine_

Alex: _I need to talk to you. Name a time and place._

Alex: _Somewhere public_

John: _Thank god you’re ok_

John: _How about the cafe in fifteen minutes_

Alex: _ok_

Alex still wasn’t ready to meet John in private. It was safer if they met in a crowded place where there were lots of people around. Another advantage to the cafe was that he knew that the Schuyler siblings alway went there after school to help out, and he had started to get to know Eliza pretty well. She would make sure that he was safe.

* * *

 

_ John _

John had finally managed to calm down his breathing. He had been sitting outside the school for a few hours, clutching his phone in his hand, waiting for a response from Alex. He was only able to relax when one finally came.  He said that he would be at the cafe in fifteen minutes, but it took him only eight because of how fast he was running. He sat apprehensively waiting for Alex to arrive. Exactly seven minutes later he walked in. John didn’t know that it was possible to look as small as Alex did right then. He was almost drowning in the sweatshirt he was wearing, and he had his arm crossed over his chest in a protective manner. He sat down across from John, neither of them speaking for a minute. John decided to get everything over with quickly.

“I get that’s there is absolutely nothing I could ever possibly do to make you not hate me-”

“You are correct.”

“Please let me finish. I just wanted to say one last time how sorry I am. I don’t know what came over me, and I was just so worried about you that's all. I just was  _ so  _ worried.”

“You were worried about me?” Asked Alex, even more intrigued. 

“Of course. Sometimes I act that way towards people that I care about. My siblings could tell you, I just get really overprotective sometimes.”

“You care about me?” He was still hung up on the words. 

“That's another thing I wanted to say if this is going to be the last time that you and I talk. I like you Alex. I really  _ really  _ like you. As in, sometimes I sit and imagine us getting married and starting a family. I know it's stupid, I know you don't feel the same way, and now I especially know that it will never happen. I just thought that you had a right to know.” 

“Thank you for telling me.” His voice was so soft, John had to strain to hear him over the background noise. “I didn't know you felt that way.”

“I do, and I'm sorry that I ruined it forever.”

“No.”

“No?” John didn't dare to hope. 

“I want to give you another chance.” John saw that Alex's dark eyes were brimming with tears as he spoke. “No one has ever made me feel the way you do, and I have never been known for making the best decisions,” he laughed as he said the last part, and John thought that his heart was going to burst. 

“Alexander Hamilton! Are you telling me that I'm a bad decision?” He pretended to be offended. 

“I'm just saying that I think I'm starting to trust you, even after all of that, I don't want you to leave. Please never leave me. But if you ever do anything like that again, you want get another chance.”

“I promise that I will never leave you. You will never be alone.” Alex was beaming from ear to ear, and John had a sudden thought. 

“Alex?”

“Yeah?”

“Can I- can I kiss you?” Alex nodded, and suddenly he found himself leaning across the table, cupping Alex's face in his hands and pressing his lips against the other boy’s. John closed his eyes, and started to feel as if he was melting into the smooth surface of Alex's lips. Their mouths moved together like they had been made specifically for that purpose and nothing else. Nothing else mattered. They broke apart far too soon for John's liking, but then again, he would have gladly stayed there all day. He stared into Alex's eyes until the brown eyed boy broke the silence. 

“I might be making a mistake letting myself go this far, but Laurens I like you a lot.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is it possible for me to write a lams fic without the line "Laurens, I like you a lot." at least once? No. No it is not.
> 
> I feel like this is moving too fast, but hey, I never said I was good at writing. I just do my gosh diddly darn best.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one has slight sexy timez, but nothing major happens. (lol I don't know how to write this shit)

_Alex_

Alex loved the feeling of John's hands running through his hair. The way he would gently pull him close as they kissed, getting slightly rougher each time. When his hands moved from his hair, down his arms and around his waist, creeping in slowly on his thighs. John would sometimes pulls Alex so close, that the latter was sitting in his lap, legs wrapped around his body. The farthest they had ever gotten was Alex laying on the floor with John pinning down his arms and grinding against him, trailing his tongue across his collarbone.

Alex didn't know what it felt like to truly be loved until he met John.

It was on parent night when John asked Alex to his house for the first time since they became close. His parents would be out if the house, and his younger siblings would be going with them. Martha, who was older, would be there, but John knew that he could trust her not to say anything. Alex's dad would be out of his house as well, and that meant that Alex could stay with John a little bit longer. It would be perfect.

They timed it perfectly, so that they would get to John’s house right after his parents left. Alex was surprised at himself for agreeing to do this. He _really_ did not like going against authority, but John convinced him that it would be fine, and that nobody would ever know. Besides, it had been getting kind of frustrating having to sneak around school just to have a make out session. Often times they had to have Laf and Hercules cover for them when they went anywhere together for an extended period of time.

Alex knew that he was throwing himself into this all very quickly, after all, it had only been a few weeks since their argument, but it was so easy for him when he was with John to just forget about everything else. He loved the feeling of having someone that he could rely on, so he decided that trusting John completely might not be such a bad idea.

There were times when John would let his hands wander a bit too much, and Alex had to tell him to back off a bit, but he was never pressured into anything. Sometimes if his shirt started to ride up, John would notice the bruises that covered his stomach, from being kicked there on more than one occasion. He was always so careful not to hurt him; sometimes treating him as if he were made out of glass, and could shatter at any moment. He probably could.

* * *

 

_John_

_Fuck you,_ John thought as the mental image of his father’s disapproving glare flashed before him. His father would probably be more than disapproving if he could see him now; pushing his boyfriend up against the wall in the main hall of the house, not being able to keep his hands off him as they went up the several flights of stairs to his bedroom, how turned on he was by the way Alex would moan at almost every touch. His father definitely would not be pleased.

_Fuck him._ It was nice to have a real bed to push Alex onto, and watch the way he moved under him. He knew better than to push Alex to do something he didn’t want to do, but _fuck,_ did he want to pound him into that matress. He wanted to hear him scream his name, he wanted to see his head thrown back in pleasure, he wanted- no.

He had to stop thinking about that; he could feel himself getting harder and harder, and he knew that Alex wasn’t ready. He would have to be content with just running his hands up and down the shorter boy’s beautiful body, and trying to memorize every inch of him.

* * *

 

_Henry Laurens (ewww)_

Henry Laurens and his wife Eleanor were walking back from the last teachers room, when he recognized someone.

“Hamilton! It’s been a while.” James Hamilton turned around to see his friend standing there. They had been friend in school, but they had grown apart afterwards, due to the vastly different lifestyles they led. They saw each other in church, but they really never spoke; it was never really the right time.

“Laurens! How’s it going?” They shook hands firmly.

“What are you doing here? I didn’t realize that you had a kid. You still with that slut you were with in high school?”

“Rachel? She died a few years back, left me with a kid to take care of. More trouble than he’s worth if you ask me.”

“I’ve got one like that. These ones are pretty decent, but it’s too young to tell, I am I right?” He gestured to the younger children standing by their mother, who were too young to be left only in their siblings care.

“Just between you and me,” Hamilton said, leaning in slightly, “That kid I’m stuck with is one of those queers.”

“That’s the same problem I’m having with my oldest. But it’s nothing that the word of God can’t fix.”

“I feel the same way. You got to cure them before it’s too late. One day he’ll see that it was for his own good.”

“I just hope that my Jack doesn’t get a “boyfriend” or something like that one day. Delusional kid.” Both men laughed.

“I just have to knock some sense into mine, and then maybe he’ll see how wrong he is.”

What neither man knew, was that at that exact moment while they were talking, both their sons were doing exactly what they feared the most: being super gay.

With each other no less.

* * *

 

_John_

“You should probably start heading back home if you want to be there before your dad.”

“But I don’t want to. I really just want to stay here with you.” John was flattered, to say the least, that Alex was starting to feel so comfortable with him, but he knew that his parents couldn’t see them together. They had strict rules about having friends over while they weren’t home, and John figured that having his boyfriend in his bed was a definite no no. But he would miss being with Alex. His bed would go back to being the cold lump of sheets that it normally was, and Alex would have to go back to a place where John knew that he wouldn’t be safe. His heart ached.

“I know you want to to stay. _I_ want you to stay, but you can’t my parents are going to be home soon as well.”

“Fine. Just one last kiss?”

“Of course.” The kiss was bittersweet, but that didn’t make it any less enjoyable. He would never get tired of the feeling of their mouths pressed together.

No one, not even his father, could take that away from him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It physically pained me to write in the perspective of Henry Laurens. (I also had to google, 'How do straight guys talk to each other')
> 
> I'm doing at least three school projects about Hamilton at this point. When will the madness end?
> 
> All of your comments have been #swaggy, they keep me going.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the chapter where the rape/non-con comes in, so be careful!
> 
> This one is kind of short, just because of what happens in this chapter.

_ Alex _

Alex was disappointed, but that feeling was justified. He and John were supposed to go to the cafe together that afternoon, but then John's parents told him that they were going to have some family gathering thing, and he would have to be there. 

“I really sorry, Alex. I know I promised, but you know how my family can be,” John had said when he told him. “I promise I'll go with you tomorrow.”

“I get it, it's fine.”

“If I could skip it I would. I just want you to know that. You mean more to mean than any “family gathering” ever could.” Alex smiled up at the taller boy, and took his hand into his.

“I know you’ll always be there for me.” John leaned in slowly and planted a kiss on Alex’s soft lips. He still moved slowly around him, making sure that he didn’t startle him.

“See you tomorrow?”

“See you tomorrow.”

* * *

 

Alex hadn’t looked at the weather forecast for that day, and if he had, he definitely would not have left the house. Even though John wasn’t going to be with him, he still would use any excuse he could to get out of the house. He had walked to the cafe so often, he could probably do it in his sleep at this point, so he wasn’t really paying attention as he walked. He was completely lost in his own thoughts, until he heard a loud clap of thunder. He jumped back; his heart was racing at an abnormally fast pace. He was still about a fifteen minute walk away from the cafe, and he knew he wouldn’t make it before the storm started in full force. There was a sudden bright flash, and then he heard another loud boom. He was shaking violently; his eyes were squeezed shut as his back was pressed up against the wall of a nearby building. It was like every nightmare he had ever had. He was alone. He was helpless. It wasn’t a busy street, and there was no one who could hear him when he started crying. Suddenly, rain started to fall as well, and Alex’s shaking got even worse as the cold drops hit his skin; chilling him to the bone. 

He didn’t think as he started running. He was running to get away, but he didn’t know what from. He didn’t know where he was going anymore.  _ I’m going to die. This is it. I am going to die.  _ Everything was spinning around him as he ran towards nothing in particular. He wished that he could simply wake up and it would all be over, but this time it wasn’t a dream. He wished that John was there. He would hold him, and tell him that everything was going to be all right. But he wasn’t there. Not this time. Alex turned a corner, and found himself at the opening of an alley. There was a small overhang further down into the alley. It wasn’t much, but at least he would be able to get out of the rain until the storm past. 

He was so caught up in his fear of the storm, he hadn’t noticed the man following him. He hadn’t noticed the footsteps getting closer and closer. He only noticed when he felt a cold hand grab his arm, and pulled him backwards. He felt the other hand clamp down over his mouth; silencing his futile attempt at screaming. He felt hot breath on his neck as a rough voice whisper in his ear,

“Don’t try and get away. You’re mine now, you little slut.” the hand covering his mouth left for a second as the man opened a door in the alley that he hadn’t noticed previously. He was shoved inside. It was a small, dirty room, with flickering fluorescent lights that cast a sickening glow over the room. Alex took advantage of his now uncovered mouth and said, “Please just let me go! Don’t- please don’t- don’t- don’t-” he was sobbing hysterically, and all his got in response was a cruel, sharp laugh.

“Whores like you don’t get to tell me what I can or can’t do.” He felt a sharp kick at the back of his legs, and the force made him collapse onto the floor. Behind him heard the sound of a zipper, and then he could feel hands on his waist, pulling his pants down. He could feel eyes staring at his back, his gaze burning into him. All he could manage were silent screams; it was like his voice had simply stopped working. He tried to think about something else, something to distract him, but he couldn’t. It was all real, it was all happening.  _ John will save me,  he’ll make sure I’m alright. He promised. He promised. He promised. He said he would make sure I’m always safe, so why isn’t he here now? Why doesn’t he care.  _ Alex mind couldn’t think rationally, and his thoughts all started to melt and blend together like watercolors.

As the stranger pushed inside him, his voice started working again, and he screamed. His hands clawed against the floor, desperate for something to grab onto, but there was nothing. Nothing but the feeling of being entered again and again by someone he didn’t even know. He wanted to die. That was all he wanted. 

It was a few minutes later that the man pulled out of him, but it really felt like hours. He didn’t even lift his head as the man left, back out the door they had come in. He hadn’t even got a good look at him. Alex wasn’t crying anymore. He didn’t have the energy anymore. All he could do was lay there; feeling used. He felt filthy. He wanted to get up. He wanted to leave and never have to see this place again. He tried to move his legs, but he tried to move them too fast, and he felt pain shoot through him. He tried again, but slower this time. Gently easing himself up off the floor. He staggered as he tried to stand up straight; still feeling a burning sensation between his legs. 

It was all just a reminder of what had happened. 

Of how useless he really was.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look! It's another chapter!

_ John _

John was halfway through a dull, several hour long meal with his family, when his phone rang. He ignored the stares from family members as he looked down to see who it was. No one ever called him, they would always just text. The caller ID said that it was Alex. He knew that Alex wouldn’t call him in the middle of a family thing unless it was an emergency.

“May I be excused? This is probably important.” He addressed the room full of his wealthy relatives.

“If you must, but don’t take too long.” His father dismissed him. He practically ran out of the room to answer his still ringing phone.

“Alex, are you alright?”

“No. I need your help.” His voice sounded hoarse, like he had been crying. John knew that voice all too well. 

“Can you tell me what's wrong?” John tried to hide the panic that was starting to creep into his voice. He didn't need Alex to be scared any more than he already was. 

“No. I just need you to come get me. Please.”

“Okay, I'll come and get you. You just need to tell me where you are.” Alex gave John a street name but that was all. He recognized it as a bad part of town. He hung up the phone, telling Alex that he would be there soon. He ran back into the dining room. 

“I'm sorry, I've got to go. It's an emergency.” Without waiting for a response, he flew out of the room and headed towards the front door. He could hear his father calling after him, but he didn't turn around. He didn't have time. He was glad that the rain had stopped, because it made it much easier for him to run down the street. He knew how scared Alex was of storms, and hoped that he hadn't been outside alone in the rain. He finally got to the street that Alex had told him about, and started looking around. There was no one he could see outside. Dilapidated buildings loomed over him; the broken windows like eyes staring at him. 

“Alex! I'm here!” He walked further down the sidewalk, calling his name over and over again. He was walking past the entrance of a dark alley way, when he paused. He had heard voice. It was soft, barely there, but it was a voice. 

“John? Help me, please.” John's blood ran cold. His mind started racing.  _ Why was Alex there? What happened to him? Is he going to live?  _ He was scared out of his mind of what he was going to find down that alley. He started walking towards the voice. 

“Alex? Are you okay?” He knew it was a stupid question, but he couldn't think of anything else. Then he saw him. His small figure crumpled against a wall, his shirt torn, his hair soaking wet. John rushed to him, started to reach out his hand when suddenly the other boy tried to move away. 

“Don't.” That's all he said. 

“We need to get you somewhere safe. Do you need help standing up?” Alex nodded his head, almost defeatedly. “I'm going to touch your arm now to pull you up. Are you alright with that?” Another nod. John gently put his hand on the boy's arm and picked him up. It wasn't very hard, he didn't weigh much. He noticed that his legs were shaking as he stood up, and it looked like he was in pain. 

“Do you need to put your arm around me to walk?” Wordlessly, Alex draped his arm over neck and shoulders, putting most of his weight on him. John now realized that he was facing another dilemma. He had nowhere to go. He knew better than to bring Alex back to his own house, not with knowing how his father might might react, and he couldn't bring him home with him because of all if the realities that were at his house. Suddenly, a thought struck him. He pulled out his phone and dialed Lafayette’s number.

* * *

 

Twenty minutes later, John, Alex, and Laf were sitting on the couch in the Washington’s house. 

“Are you ready to talk yet?” John asked carefully, not wanting to rush him.

“I can’t.”

“Don’t worry, mon ami. You can talk when you’re ready. Do you want me to get you some water or something?”

“That would be nice.” Laf got up and went to the kitchen. George and Martha had thankfully given them some space when John and Alex came.

“We just want to help you. You’re safe to tell us whatever you want to.”

“I want to, but I just can’t.” Alex’s voice still sounded like every word hurt.

“Can you at least tell me why you can’t tell me?”

“It’s because you’ll probably hate me. How could you not?”

“I could never hate you, you know that.” 

“But you’ll probably get in trouble from your father that you had to leave, and it will all be my fault.”

“Is that what you’re worried about? It’s not your fault, it’s really not.”

“It’s not  _ just  _ that. I- I don’t want you to get mad at me.” He clutched the pillow that he had been holding in front of his chest even tighter. Just then, Laf came back in the room carry a glass of water. They placed it in front of Alex, and turned to address John.

“Do you need so more time alone? Because I can go upstairs for a while.”

“Yeah, I think just for a few minutes. Thank you so much, you’re really the best.”

“ Ce n'est pas un problème.” The two on the couch listened to Laf’s footsteps as they made their way upstairs. 

“I promise that I won’t get mad. No matter what you tell me, I promise that I won’t be mad.” He saw Alex’s eyes scanning his face for any hints that he might not be telling the truth.

“Fine. But you can’t tell anyone, I mean it. Nobody can know.”

“Alex, I can’t promise that. If something really bad happened to you-”

“Please.” His brown eyes were brimming with tears, and at this point John would do anything to make sure that he didn’t start crying again.

“Okay, just please tell me.” Alex turned his head away and looked down at the floor. He heard him mutter something, but it wasn’t loud enough for him to hear. “I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you.” Then Alex repeated himself, a little louder, but still barely audible.

“I was raped.” John froze. He was fairly certain his heart stopped beating.

“W-what?”

“I was walking, then the storm started and I was looking for a place to get out of the rain, then this man came up behind me and pushed me into this room, and then he- and then-”

“No, you don’t have to say any more.” Alex was rocking back and forth, and hi breathing was coming out in short, heavy bursts.

“Is there anything I can do?” John knew that it was useless, of course there was nothing he could do. Alex’s life had just gone from bad to worse, and there was nothing that he could do to help.

“Could you just hold my hand? Just for a little while.”

“Of course. Anything for you.” He grasped the other boy’s shaking hand, and started rubbing circles with his thumb on the smooth surface in a desperate attempt to calm him down. “Is this alright?” He nodded. But John knew that nothing was alright. It might never be alright again.

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ce n'est pas un problème - It's not a problem
> 
>  
> 
> I'm surprised I had the time to write this today, because I spent a lot of my time watching Rent and crying.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nothing really happens, just a lot about them talking about their feelings.
> 
> The show Liberty's Kids was my shit when I was younger, so it's really no wonder why I am currently writing fan fiction about the founding fathers.

_ Alex _

“We’re going to have to tell someone, you know that right?” Those were words that Alex really didn't want to hear. He was just glad that John had said  _ we  _ instead of  _ you _ , because it made him feel a little less alone. 

“And you have to go to the doctor to get tested, just in case.” He didn't want to think about that just in case. It was all too much. Thankfully, John seemed to be able to read his mind.

“I know it’s a lot to have to deal with at once, but that’s why I’m here. I can help you whenever you need it.”

“Really?”

“Really, “ he said with a reassuring smile. But all the reassuring smiles in the world couldn’t ease the panic he felt inside. How would he ever be able to tell his dad? Should he even tell him? There were too many questions, and not nearly enough answers. At least he had friends now; that was more than he could say for much of his life. And the Washingtons said that he could stay with them for a while if he needed to, even though they didn’t know what had happened. He might take them up on their offer. Mr. Washington said that he would talk to his dad if he wanted him to, but he didn’t want to cause them any trouble. They were already going out of their way letting him stay there after he had just shown up on their doorstep. 

“Do you want me to get Laf down here so you can talk to them? It might help you to open up.”

“Um... sure I guess. But could you do the talking please?”

“Of course. Your voice doesn’t sound that great right now. It must have been being out in the rain for so long.”

“That, and screaming for help.” That had come out for harsher than he had intended it, and immediately regretted it when he saw John’s face. His eyes looked even more worried than they already were. “I’m sorry, I shouldn't have-”

“No, it’s my fault. I should have realized.”

“It’s okay.” He really did mean it.

“I’ll go get Laf, I’ll be back soon.” Alex didn’t really want him to leave, even if it was only for a few minutes, but reluctantly let him go. He missed the feeling of their hands pressed together. Only a minute had passed, but he was already starting to get nervous. Last time he had been alone had not ended well, and he really just wanted John back.  _ It’s not like John was there when you needed him.  _ There was that voice again. In the back of his mind, making him doubt everything.  _ If he actually cared, he would have been there to help you. You wouldn’t have been outside in the first place if he hadn’t decided his family was more important than you.  _ No. This wasn’t his fault. He was not going to blame him.  _ No, no, no, no, no,- _

“Alex? What’s wrong?” John rushed over to him, and he realized that he had been saying it out loud.

“It’s nothing.” He saw Laf approach the couch, and sit cautiously next to him, still keeping some distance.

“John told me what happened. Je suis desole.” He had never seen them talk that slowly, or that quietly. They were looking at Alex like he would disappear at any second; their eyes creased with worry. He hated that he was bothering everyone so much. It was all his fault.

“You don’t have anything to be sorry about.” 

“I would feel better if you considered Martha and George’s offer for you to stay with us. Please think about it.”

“I really don’t want to burden them”

“You could never be a burden, and it would be just for a few days.”

“Alex,” John cut in, “I really think that it would be best. It would make me feel a lot better.” Alex could tell what John was trying to do. He was trying to make it look like it was something he was doing for John’s benefit and not his own. It was working.

“If you’re sure it’s fine, I guess I could stay for just a few days.”

“C’est magnifique! I’ll go tell the Washington’s. George will call your dad to let him know. He won’t say why if you don’t want him to.” 

“That would really be great. Thank you so much.” With that, Laf stood up and bounded out of the room. Alex was glad to see that some of their usual energy had returned.

“Thank you,” John said once they were alone. “I just want you to be safe, that’s all.”

“Thanks.”

“Is there anything else you want to talk about? I listen to you if you want.”

“Do you... think that it’s my fault, what happened to me?”

“Absolutely not. You don’t deserve any of the awful things people have to you, so never think that it’s in some way your fault.” He wasn’t so sure that he believed him.

“I understand if you don’t want to be with me after what happened. You probably want to find someone who isn’t as messed up, so you don’t always have to deal with their problems.” John looked horrified at the mere suggestion.

“Why would I ever want to stay away from you? You’re perfect, Alex. You really are, no matter how many people try to tell you that you’re not. You’ll always be perfect to me. You make me feel like no one else ever has.”

“But what if I never can have sex with you, or even let you touch me like that again?”

“I would never leave you just because of that. Those things don’t matter more than your happiness I would wait forever for you.”

“Now you sound like a sappy romance movie.” He rolled his eyes. It felt good to smile after all of that.

“I wouldn’t want to be in a sappy romance with anyone but you.”

“What did I ever do to deserve someone like you?”

“You don’t have to do anything. You’re stuck with me forever now.”

“Forever?”

“Forever and a day.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I literally almost stopped writing this because people were making me sad. (by people i mean tumblr) But then I said fuck them, I'll do this because it makes me happy, it's just to bad for them that they don't want me to be happy.
> 
> Y'all are #swaggy, and some of the best people in the entire world


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yikes!™

_ Alex _

“Laf! I need your advice!” Alex called down the stairway where he knew Lafayette was. 

“Un moment, mon ami!” Was their response. Alex went back into his “room” it was really just a guest bedroom in the Washington's house, but he felt safer there than he had ever felt in his own room. He stood in front of the mirror, trying to decide what to wear. He soon heard loud footsteps coming up the stairs at an alarming rate. 

“Which one do you think I should wear today?” He held up two different sweatshirts. 

“Definitely that one, it really brings out your eyes.” They were pointing to the one in his left hand. They always seemed to know exactly what to wear, so Alex took advantage of the time they were together. It had been a week since...  _ The incident,  _ and Alex was doing anything he could to try and forget everything. Laf, John, and Herc were all doing their best to help him, but there were some times when there was nothing that anybody could do, and he just needed to cry. He knew he couldn’t go on forever pretending like nothing was wrong, and for once in his life, Alex was unsure of what to do. It was Saturday morning, and for the first time in a long time, he wasn’t going to church. The Washingtons would hear nothing of it, and they told him that he would absolutely not be going back to that “pretentious den of discrimination” as Mrs. Washington put it. Not while he was staying with them, at least. He felt bad that John would have to be there without him, and he didn’t know if the other boy would be able to handle Mr. Burr all by himself. He supposed he should be grateful; that pray the gay away group was where he met his boyfriend. To make up for his absence, he promised that Laf, Herc, and him would meet him afterwards. He still didn’t feel safe going anywhere alone.

* * *

 

_ John _

John breathed a sigh of relief when he saw Alex approaching him. He had Lafayette and Hercules pretty much glued to either side of him, and they made him look even smaller than he already was. Although he never said it out loud for fear of upsetting Alex, he did blame himself for what happened. He should have been with him, he should have texted him beforehand to make sure that he was okay, he should have told his father that he didn’t want to see his homophobic relatives. There were a million things he should have done. He would do anything to make Alex okay again.

The four of them had decided to meet up and get ice cream. None of them really cared that it was November and pretty cold outside; when there was ice cream involved, none of them could say no.

“Hey guys!” John said when the other three were in hearing range. “Ready to go?” John was trying to put on a happy exterior, despite being almost completely drained after a half an hour of listening to Aaron Burr telling him he was going to hell. 

“Let’s go.” John held out his hand slowly, silently asking Alex if he was okay with holding hands. Sometimes he was, but sometimes it made really uncomfortable, so John would always ask. Alex nodded his head. It was never anything they ever said out loud; it was more of a silent understanding. Alex grabbed his hand and started walking next to John. The shorter boy’s hand was warm, and he John felt better knowing that he was safe with him. 

* * *

 

The ice cream place was very nice, with its blue walls and its bright lights. The group sat at a booth by the window: John and Alex on one side facing the the tv that was mounted on the ceiling, and Laf and Hercules on the other side facing the rest of the store.

“I’m getting Ice Cream Attack and eating it all by myself, and none of you will be able to stop me,” Hercules announced while they were decided what to get.

“Do you really think that that is wise, mon ami?”

“You act like I haven’t done it before.” It was true. All of them had witnessed his ability to finish the eight large scoops, and all of them had even more respect for him after that. The rest of them all got much smaller amounts. While they ate, they all chatted aimlessly, about whatever was going on in their lives. Even though their conversation was lighthearted, there were times when John over at Alex and he saw him gazing off into the distance. He knew that he didn’t want to talk about it, but he also knew that they couldn’t avoid the topic forever. The second day of him staying with the Washingtons, he had told them what had happened. It was more like John had told them what had happened, while Alex sort of hid behind him, ashamed. They took him to the doctor to get him tested, and thankfully he was clean, but that still wasn’t the end to all of his problems. John really wanted to know what was going on in his mind, so that he could help him better. 

When they had all finished eating, even Hercules with his giant bowl of ice cream, they still were sitting at the booth waiting a few minutes before going out in the chilly autumn air. The store wasn’t very crowded because of the time of year, which meant that they could hear the tv that was playing above them. It was on some news channel that was talking about local politics, which wa something that John had absolutely no interest in. His father was in politics, and he didn’t like being reminded of his father. He wasn’t really paying attention to what was on the screen, but he did notice that Alex’s eyes were fixed on whatever was happening.

“What’s wrong?” he asked quietly as to not draw undue attention. He got no response. It was his arms that he noticed first were shaking; his hands were clenched into tight fists, eyes still not moving from the tv. It was then that Lafayette and Hercules started noticing that something was wrong as well. They all looked at the tv, but all there was was some politician making a speech or something. It was nothing out of the ordinary.

“Alex, what’s wrong?” he was repeating his question a bit more slowly in the hope that this time he would get a response. It worked.

“Th-that’s h-him.” His breathing was shallow, and the sounds came out in short bursts. “I r-recognize the voice.”

“What do you mean?” asked John, confused. Then suddenly he knew the answer to his own question.

“I w-would recognize it anywhere.” The three others all shared the same worried looks with each other. 

That guy on tv was the one who raped Alex.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> awww poor Alex


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains a panic attack, so be careful!

_ John _

James Madison. That was his name. Apparently, he was the mayor of a nearby town, and he was running for re-election. John wanted to kill him. He had done some research on the guy, and found out that he was leading a life that could only be described as the American dream. He had a wife, a son, (his wife’s from her previous marriage) and a lovely house. He was well liked by voters, and had a strong chance at re-election. They liked his shy, humble demeanor, and he was the ideal candidate and human being. In public. All John could think about when he saw his picture smiling up at him from his screen, was that was the guy who backed his boyfriend into an alley and took something away from him that could never be replaced: his piece of mind. 

Now that Alex knew who did that to him, it made everything even worse. He was even more jumpy, and would always look behind him when he was walking, no matter where he was. He would stay in his rooms for hours on end with the door shut and locked tight. Lafayette said that sometimes when they passed the door, they could hear crying coming from inside, but whenever they knocked on the door to ask what was wrong, the crying suddenly stopped, and they would get no response. 

John knew he couldn’t just sit around while Alex was suffering, and the man who raped him was living a great life as a free man. He knew had to do something, he just wasn’t sure yet. It was his word over a well liked politician’s. The police were definitely not going to believe some kid. But if John didn’t do anything about it, it could happen to someone else. Someone else’s life could be completely ruined just because he didn’t do anything.

* * *

 

_ Alex _

Alex knew that his time was almost up. He knew that he couldn’t stay with the Washingtons much longer; he was already imposing on their kindness enough. It had been one week, and they had told his father that that was when they would return him. If living with his father had been hard before, now it was going to be almost impossible. He wouldn’t have his friends there telling him that everything was going to be okay. He knew they were all lying; nothing would or could ever be okay again. He hated going out of the house; anything could remind him of what had happened. 

He would be forever grateful that John had been with him when he saw a “ _ Re-elect Madison”  _ poster on the side of the road. He had completely broken down. His mind flashed back to the storm, the fear, the pain. He was living it all again. He couldn’t breathe, he felt like he was choking, his heart was pounding. He could hear very faintly a voice telling him to try to breathe. The voice was slowly counting to ten, and he tried to focus on that.  _ One... two... three... four...  _ His mind started coming back to reality.  _ Five... six... seven...  _ He could feel air returning to his lungs.  _ Eight... nine... ten...  _ His eyes started working again, and he could see John staring intently at him. They were sitting on the sidewalk. He didn’t remember ever sitting down.

“Alex? Can you hear me? Just squeeze my hand if you can.” He hadn’t even noticed the feeling of John’s hand on his. He squeezed tightly.

“Good. Now just concentrate on breathing. You’re not in danger. You’re safe. I’m right here.” He wanted to thank him, but words still weren’t coming to him. It was kind of ironic. No one could ever get him to shut up before, but look at him now. 

Not even his words could save him anymore.

* * *

 

_ John _

When Alex was going back to his dad’s house, John went with him. He hung back a bit so that Mr. Hamilton wouldn’t see him, but close enough to make sure that Alex at least got to the front door safely. After saying their goodbyes, he watched Alex go up to the door and knock. The door opened almost immediately, and standing there was the man John assumed to be Alex’s father. From where he was standing, he couldn’t hear what the two of them were saying, but he knew that it couldn’t be anything pleasant. He could Alex’s entire body stiffening; the tension almost most radiating off of him. Mr. Hamilton then grabbed his son by the back of his neck and pulled him inside. Just before the door was slammed shut, he could see Alex’s dad kick him to the floor. The boy’s head turned around to face out of the still open door. Their eyes met briefly, and the pain John could see in his eyes was like torture.

* * *

 

John needed a plan, but he knew that he couldn’t do it alone. A few quick texts later, John, Hercules, Lafayette, Angelica, Eliza, and Peggy were all sitting at a table in the Schuyler family’s cafe. Their topic of discussion of course was Alex. John knew that Alex had told the Schuyler sibling what had happened, so John felt alright talking to them about it. And of course Herc and Laf knew. 

“So I’ve told you guys everything I know about this guy Madison, so using that information we have to find out the best way to handle this.” It was an unspoken agreement that John was sort of the leader of the group, after all, Alex was  _ his  _ boyfriend. 

“Everyone thinks he’s this morally upstanding guy, right? We have to find a way to prove that he’s not. And most importantly we have to make sure this never happens again,” Angelica said confidently. She and Alex knew each other pretty well, but that was mostly from Eliza.

“I agree,” said Peggy. “I’m all for breaking into the douchebag's house and leaving threatening messages in his refrigerator. I’d totally volunteer for that.”

“Pegs, that isn’t going to solve anything,” Eliza reprimanded her younger sibling. “We have to think about this carefully before we act, and we can  _ definitely _ not do anything illegal.”

“You never let me have any fun.”

“Guys, this is serious. I brought you all here to come up with a plan.”

“Sorry J.Law,” said Peggy, trying to look innocent.

“Never call me that again.”

“I’ll try my best, but no promises.”

“Maybe,” began Hercules, “if we can’t get the police to believe  _ us _ , they’ll believe Madison’s wife.”

“How are we going to do that?” Asked Lafayette.

“Simple. We don’t know anything about the home situation of this family. Maybe he’s a terrible guy at home too, and she’s just looking for an excuse to get him behind bars.”

“So you’re saying that we should go to their house and talk to her?” Asked Eliza uncertainly.

“When her husband is not around of course. It’ll be easy to find out his schedule, so we’ll just find time when he’s not there, and maybe she’ll go to the police and back up our story.”

“But that sounds really risky,” said John. “What if she tells her husband instead of helping us? That could put Alex in danger, and I know none of us want that.”

“But what else is there for us to do?” exclaimed Hercules. “It’s just a risk that we have to take. For Alex’s sake.”

“I think he’s right,” Angelica added. “It’s not ideal, but it’s all we have right now.”

“I guess you’re right. But we’ll need to plan out exactly what we’re going to say before we get there.” 

And that was how the six of them decided to begin their plan of ruining James Madison’s political career. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After much internal debate, I decided to go with Madison. It really was hard to decide, but I thought that Madison is always portrayed as this unassuming little guy, so I decided to change it up(#rebellion)   
> Feel free to hate Madison as much as you want.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just imagine Dolley Madison as having such a heavy southern accent, I don't know why.
> 
> Let's pretend, for the sake of my sanity, that Madison lives in New York and not Virginia.

_ John _

Dolley Madison. That was her name. John wasn't able to find out much about her. She, like her husband, was well liked and lead a very picturesque life. What John needed to do was find out if life in the Madison household was as perfect as it seemed. The six friends had decided that it would be best if not all of them went to the house. 

“What the fuck? I'm not abrasive, I'm the least abrasive person I know! I will actually fight you if you call me that again.” That had been Peggy’s response to being one of the ones chosen to stay behind. 

“And what do you mean by saying I'm intimidating? I design clothes for god's sake!” Hercules had been similarly perturbed. 

“And I think I should be there to look after Eliza. Not to mention of course, I know how to handle these situations.”

“Angie, you know perfectly well I can take care of myself, and besides it will be more useful to have you stay out in case we need you later. If this plan doesn't work, we might need people they don't recognize, to be able to stop Madison.” So it was decided that it would be John, Lafayette, and Eliza who met with Dolley Madison.

* * *

 

To say that the Madison home was large would be an understatement. The large estate, called Montpelier for some reason, included not just a mansion, but sprawling formal gardens. The giant brick mansion had a multitude of columns in front, and not one, but three doors. It was intimidating to say the least. They had arranged it so that they knew Mr. Madison would be at a meeting when they went to his house. John, Laf, and Eliza made their way up the long stone pathway that lead up to the house. They knew what they were going to say, but John still couldn’t help be feel nervous. This could all go so wrong, and Alex could end up worse off than he already was. They had all agreed not to tell Alex what they were doing. They all felt that it would be better off that way. Eliza knocked on the large yellow door in the middle. A young woman, probably in her mid twenties, opened the door. As soon as she did, Lafayette took the lead. In one graceful swoop, they bowed down low and kissed the back of the woman’s hand.

“Bonjour Madame! I am Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette, and these are my good friends Eliza and John. You are Mrs. Madison I presume?”

“Me? No, I just work for the Madisons. My name is Maria. Maria Reynolds.”

“Well then, would you be so kind as to tell Mrs. Madison that we would wish to speak with her.”

“Of course,” Maria said with a smile. “I’ll be back in a moment.”

“Thank you, madame.” The woman retreated back into the house, presumably to find Mrs. Madison. The three standing on the porch looked at each other nervously. This was it. There was no going back now. As Maria had promised, she was back in a very short time.

“Mrs. Madison told me to bring you guys into the parlor where she receives guests.” This all reminded John of the houses of relatives he went to. A great deal of them lived in the south, and the all took pride in their huge estates and fancy parlors to receive guests. The inside of the house was just as grand as John had expected it to be. Decorative wood panels and elaborate carpets covered what seemed to be every available surface. Maria lead them into a large room, and told them to sit on the couch that she showed them.

“Mrs. Madison will be down in a second, just sit tight.” The couch they were seated at was next to a marble fireplace, and directly across from an identical couch.

“So do you all remember what the plan is?” John whispered as if they were in a library and not a house. The other two nodded. They then heard the distinct sound of clicking heels approaching them. The sound was coming from the heels of a woman wearing a knee length red dress, and multiple gold bracelets. John had no doubt that it was real gold. The woman had a wide smile plastered on her face, but it looked really hollow and inauthentic.  

“Y’all must be the kids that are here to see me.” John tried hard not to cringe when he heard the heavy southern accent. 

“Yes ma'am. I'm John Laurens, and these are my friends Eliza and Lafayette.”

“Laurens? You wouldn't by any chance be related to Henry Laurens, now would you?”

“That's my father.”

“Really? How nice. My husband knows him, through politics and all of that. He really is a lovely man.”

“I'll be sure to tell him that.” Lovely?  _ His _ father? That was hilarious. “But what we were really hoping to find out on this visit, was a little information about your husband.”

“Why of course, I'm always happy to talk about my James. What did you want to know?” Eliza spoke up at that point and said,

“Is everything... all right at home? With your husband, I mean.”

“I'm sure I don't know what you mean.”

“He just seems like such a nice person in public, we were just wondering if that was the same, behind closed doors, so to speak.”

“Are you trying to accuse my husband of something? Because I’ll have you know that he is a well respected and upstanding member of this community.”

“We know all of that, we just have heard some, how you say? Rumors. Yes that’s it, rumors, that he isn’t as morally upstanding as he would want us to believe,” Lafayette tried to explain, but Mrs. Madison’s grim face was unchanging. Her lips were formed into a tight line, and she was staring them all down.  To further explain their point, John added,

“We aren’t trying to accuse him of anything, we just want you to know that if there was ever a... problem, that you should really go to the police.”

“Do you mean to imply that my husband is mistreating me? Because I can assure you that-”

“We just know that a friend of ours didn’t have a very _friendly_ run in with him, and we know that the police won’t believe us.” John desperately wanted her help, but the way things were going, it didn’t seem very likely.

“You want to get the police involved?” John wasn’t sure, but he thought he detected a hint of fear in her voice. “When you say your husband and your friend had a run in, what exactly do you mean?” The three friends sitting on the couch looked at each other, unsure as to what to say next. John decided to take one last leap of faith.

“He raped him.”

“What?” A horrified expression was shown clearly all over her face.

“It was about a week ago, and like we said before no one will believe  _ us, _ but they might believe you, so if you could just-”

“I can’t believe that you three insolent children would come into our home, and accuse my husband of such a thing. I want you to leave right now. If you hurry, I won’t tell your father that you were here.” Her last remark was pointed at John. Maybe it was a mistake telling her his last name.

“Mrs. Madison, please just listen. We know what happened, and you should see what it did to our friend. He will never be the same again, and you want to just protect your husband for the sake of his career? All we want is to see that justice is done,” Eliza said all in one breath. She was usually so calm and collected; John didn’t think that he had ever seen her so angry.

“You don’t know what you’re saying. Please, just leave me alone.” John realized that that were fighting a losing battle. They would have to retreat. They may have lost the battle, but that didn’t mean that they still couldn’t win the war. 

* * *

 

_ Alex _

_ Nobody cares about you. That’s why none of them are responding, they just don’t care about a useless piece of shit like you. _ It had been three hours since he had texted his friends, and he still hadn’t gotten a response from a single one of them. He hadn’t heard from any of them all day, and he was starting to get extremely worried. A part of him knew that he was just being paranoid, that there was a perfectly good reason they weren’t contacting him, but there was still that part of him that was afraid that they had all left him. He was far too used to being abandoned. He knew that it was selfish, but all he really wanted was John there with him, telling him that everything was going to be alright. A welcome noise jarred him out of him pessimistic thoughts: his phone had vibrated, and there was one new message. 

**John <3** :  _ We need to talk  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long to update, I was just never satisfied;) with it


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Homophobic slur! Be careful!
> 
> I feel like this sounds like a soap opera at times. All of this drama.

_ Alex _

“We went to Madison’s house.”

“You did  _ what?” _ Alex couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He sat back down on his bed.

“Eliza, Laf and I all went to talk to his wife to see if she would help us. Help  _ you. _ ”

“You didn’t do anything stupid, did you?”

“That depends on what your definition of stupid is.” Alex didn’t like that John was avoiding the question.

“Let’s put it this way: will you be arrested for murder in the next few days?”

“God no! Not even  _ I’m  _ that stupid. Besides, Mr. Madison wasn’t even there. It was just his wife. But if he had been there, you might have gotten a different answer to your last question.”

“I appreciate your attempt at valor, but you still shouldn’t have gone. You should have at least asked me first.” He was just a little hurt that nobody had said anything to him about all of this.

“I’m sorry, we just didn't want to worry you.” John was fidgeting and looking down at his hands. “I know what happens when you think about what happened.” Alex knew that he was completely right, and that he should probably have felt grateful that his friends hadn’t said anything, but now he was angry, and there was no going back.

“You promised me you wouldn’t tell anyone without asking me first! Do your promises just mean nothing to you?” His sharp tone surprised even him. He was usually only this aggressive with people that he didn’t like, and there was no doubt in his mind that he liked John; he could just be so goddamn  _ clueless _ sometimes. 

“I know I promised, but I also know that that guy is still out there, living a great life in his billion dollar mansion, and you're here jumping at every fucking noise you hear! How is that fair?”

“It’s  _ not _ fair!  _ Life  _ is not fucking fair, I of all people should know that. I thought you would know that as well.” He wanted his words to hurt. He wanted them to sting. He needed to be in control; he was the one causing pain this time. It scared him. It scared him that he liked to see the damage that his words could cause.

“Alex, please just calm down. Remember what happened last time we started arguing? I really don’t want a repeat of that.” He knew that John was completely and totally right. He also knew that he couldn’t admit that.

“I’m not too going to calm! You betrayed my trust, and too many people have done that to me already. I should have known better. Why should I have any reason to believe that you would be any better.”

“Alex, I understand where you’re coming from, but you have to believe me when i say that we only did it because we care about you so much.” 

“How can you stand there and that you give two shits about my feelings, when you-”

“Shhh,” John’s interruption startled him out of his rant. “Did you hear something downstairs?” Alex’s dad had gone out for the day, and he hadn’t expected him back so early. He knew that it had to be him from the unmistakeable sound of the jingling keys, and the heavy dragging sound that his dad’s shoes made on the floor when he was too drunk to walk correctly. That man never ceased to amaze him. It was only three in the afternoon, and he was already hammered. He was starting to panic. He couldn’t have his dad find the two of them in his room together.

“In the closet. Now.”

“What?”

“Go!” Alex hissed as he pointed to the door on the opposite side of his room that opened into his closet. John wasted no time doing as he was told, and was soon out of sight. He was just in time, because Alex heard his dad’s footsteps coming up the stairs. 

“Hey! Fag!”

* * *

 

His door was thrown open with a loud crash. He jumped, even though he was expecting it. He was braced himself for the worst. It came. It came a it always did: loud, reckless, angry. After that came the pain. Physically: the thudding ache, the scratches were his nails had caught on him, the absence of breath. Emotionally: never good enough, disappointment, kill yourself. One day he should listen. Then his dad would be happy. And then the man was gone. Like always. Never staying long; just long enough to make sure his son didn’t get any ideas that he was a decent human being or anything like that. He sank to the floor with his eyes still squeezed shut. Another door opening. 

_ He can’t be back already, can he?  _

He didn’t want to open his eyes to see if he was right. The dark felt safe. 

But no, this time there weren’t any harsh words being spewed with a drunken slur; there were arms being wrapped around him. There was a head being pressed against his neck and resting on his shoulder. There was the familiar scent of coconut coming from the hair. Slender fingers gently rubbing circles on his back. For the first time in a long time, he was alright with be touched like that.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, eyes still shut.

“It’s okay, I’m here now.” His voice was so soft. It flowed like honey, and Alex felt his heart starting to melt at the sound.

“Thank you.”

“Remember when I said that I would do anything for you? Well, I meant it.”

“I can’t believe you don’t want to leave after all those things I said. I really,  _ really _ didn’t mean it”

“You were just angry, that’s all. You gave me a second chance, so that’s the least I could do for you.”

“Can you stay for a while? My dad is probably sleeping it off, and he won’t wake up for a few hours.”

“I’d stay forever if you asked me to,” John said while slowly stroking Alex’s hair.  Alex breathed deeply. It felt like it was the first time he had done that in a long time. He was so tired, and John’s arm were so warm the way they were circling him; keeping him safe. The last words Alex heard before drifting off to sleep were whispered softly into his ear. 

_ “Mi ángel perfecto. Te amo.” _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back into the fucking closet John. 
> 
> I stg, Alex can be so stubborn sometimes.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't had much time to write this because of school, and now I have finals coming up. lol i love making more work for myself.

_ John _

John found out quickly, that if there was one thing the Schuyler siblings were good at, it was revenge. He made a mental note to never,  _ ever,  _ get on one of them’s bad side. 

“That guy will fucking pay for what he did to Alex, I swear to god.” Eliza was probably the most calm of the three, but apparently even she could get super pissed off. 

“I will literally destroy everything he holds dear to him, and then I will steal his dogs. I will take his dogs, and love than more than he ever could. Also, setting his house on fire is not out of the question, right?” Peggy had easily the most violent solutions. They were always quick to suggest imparting some sort of physical injury.

“Listen Pegs, I get that you want to destroy this motherfucker, we all do, but we have to be smart about it. We can’t go rushing off.” Angelica, ever the voice of reason, did her best to convince her younger siblings to think rationally. “What we tried last time obviously didn’t work, so we just have to of a new plan. Anyone got any ideas?” She glanced around at the circle of faces that were congregated in her family’s living room. It was the same people a before, but this time with a new addition. Alex had insisted that he should go, he was the reason they were all there, after all. 

“Maybe one of you could intern for Madison’s campaign. Then we would be able to get close to him without him finding out what we’re trying to do,” Alex said with a hopeful look in his eye. 

“That's actually not a bad idea,” John said while looking around at his friends. “But who wants to do it? It can’t be me, Eliza, or Laf, because there’s too much of a risk that Mrs. Madison will see us and recognize us.” Angelica sighed loudly.

“I’ll do it. I don’t really trust any of you with this, so the safest hand in this case, are my own.”

“Are you sure?” asked John. “You’ll have to call people up on the phone and tell them to vote for him. I don’t know if you’ll be able to stomach it.”

“Okay, first of all, no one actually answers the phone if they see it's from a political campaign, and second of all, if they do ever pick up, I just hang up and then pretend that I’m having a conversation with the person. It’s really quite simple.” When she was done talking, Angelica did a quick hair flip, which although he wasn’t completely sure, John thought was her way of showing them all that she had the situation under control. Hercules still didn’t look convinced.

“Angelica, no offense or anything, but do you really think you’ll even be able to get an internship there? I mean, he’s one of the most prominent people running, and he’s got a really good shot at re-election. I’m sure every conservative high schooler is looking for a job in his campaign office.”

“Don’t worry, I can take care of it. I do have some political connections. Just a name drop here and there, and I’ll be in. No sweat.”

“Honestly, I don’t know where any of us would be without you.” Alex smiled at her. His smile was captivating.

“Honestly, I’m not really sure either,” Angelica replied.

* * *

 

_ Angelica _

The campaign office was just as busy as Angelica had thought it would be. Important people in business suits rushing about, mixed in were a few kids who looked about her own age. It had only taken one phone call to secure her position as intern. She was quite proud of her efficiency.

“Just sit here and call the numbers on this list, that’s all you gotta do,” the man who was in charge of interns told her. “It shouldn’t be too hard for you will it? We always have a position for someone to make us coffee, if that’s more up to your speed.”

“I’m sure my weak girl brain will be able to handle this,” she replied dryly.

“Just get to work.” With that he stalked of.  _ Figures, that’s the kind of guy who would work for James Madison.  _ She sat down by the phone and typed in the first number. As she had expected, no one answered. _ People hardly use their landlines anymore, and if they do, they have caller ID. I’m sure that I could think of a better way. _ Her mind really wasn’t into her task at hand; she was too busy trying to think of a way to get Madison to admit to what he did. She needed justice.

* * *

 

It was her third day working there, when the chance came. It came in the form of a secretary being on maternity leave. Apparently, Madison himself was looking for a quick replacement for her, and it’s not like they paid the interns anyway. So for him, it was a quick, cheap replacement. And for Angelica Schuyler and her superhuman typing abilities, it was just the opportunity she was looking for. She was allowed the privilege of being in Madison’s office, and she also got to use the staff break room, so for her it was a win win situation. Now, no one would think it odd if she was in his office, they would just assume that she was performing her secretarial duties. Nobody would need to know if he was in there with her or not. It would be the perfect chance to snoop around a bit. If his filing cabinet was  _ accidentally  _  left unlocked, or his computer was hacked, no one would suspect her. 

Would they? 

Definitely not here, she thought. Not in a place where they only thought women were good enough to serve coffee to the men. 

Maybe she would be the one to find some dirt on the guy, and bring that motherfucker down forever. God, she would do anything to wipe that smug smile off his face. 

For Alex.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've thought of an idea for another lams fic after I'm done with this one. It's canon era and full of that gay angst that we all crave(don't fucking try to deny it) I've already written the first chapter, and I'm kind of excited about it


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> With life being so stressful, I decided to take a break:) from the angst and give y’all some fluff. Enjoy it while it lasts. This is pretty much the squad being trash. It's kind of a filler chapter, but that's just the kind of mood I'm in.
> 
> I really was going to post this last night, but then I fell asleep, and if that doesn't accurately describe my entire life, I don't know what does.

_ Alex _

A calming feeling washed over Alex, as he felt the chest of the boy underneath him rise and fall in a steady rhythm. The beautiful feeling was almost hypnotising. They all had the day off from school,  Lafayette was adamant that they all had to come over, and so they decided to spend their day off  watching movies in the Washington’s living room.

“You two are so cute together it literally makes me sick,” said Hercules from his seat on the floor by the TV. He was looking at John and Alex, who were almost buried under piles of pillows, and all wrapped up in each other.  “I'm too aromantic for this shit.”

“Hashtag relatable,” came Peggy’s voice from where they were sitting on the opposite end of the couch. “Herc, you should come over here and cuddle with me, I'm lonely.”

“Anything for my favorite queerplatonic partner.” 

“Sweetie, I'm your only one. I'm a special snowflake, and don't you forget it.” Alex looked over and smiled when he saw his two friends sitting practically on top of each other on the couch. They were watching  _ Frozen _ , even though everyone in the room was tired of the movie. It was a good way to relax, no matter how annoying it was. Alex had threatened to leave John alone on the couch when he had started belting out  _ Let it Go _ .

“But it’s catchy,” John groaned. “You can’t blame me for that. Besides, who doesn’t want to be graced with my singing ability?” Almost simultaneously, the entire room burst out with a chorus of, “Me!”

“I came out here to have a good time, and honestly, I’m feeling so attacked right now.”

“God, you’re even more trash than me,” said Peggy.

“Which is saying a lot,” said Lafayette with a mischievous grin.

“Nobody asked for your opinion, french fry.” Peggy scowled.

“I’m sorry your pride is hurt John, maybe I can make it better.” Alex turned his head slightly, so that he could press his lips against John’s. He would never get over how good that feeling was. It had taken him a while, but he was finally starting to regain some of his confidence. He knew he couldn't pretend that everything was going to go back to normal for him, that was impossible, but at least he could try. Alex turned back around, and nestled himself deeper into the pillows, and deeper into John’s arms. 

“You're cute, you know that right?” John said in between pressing kisses on the top of his boyfriend’s head. 

“How could I forget? You tell me every day.”

“I just want to remind you.” Alex grinned and closed his eyes. John's body was so warm, he felt just about ready to fall asleep. He was almost completely asleep when Eliza’s voice startled him awake. 

“How do you think Angie is doing?” 

The oldest Schuyler sibling was working today, and she tried to give them all updates whenever she could, but now that she was Mr. Madison’s personal secretary, it was hard to find time. 

“I'm sure she's fine. This is Angelica we’re talking about, and she can handle anything.”

"I guess, I'm just worried about her being anywhere near that guy," Eliza continued.

“Don’t worry about her. She’ll be safe. If anyone can take care of herself, it’s Angelica.” Alex smiled comfortingly at the girl sitting on the floor.

"I pretty sure a five headed dragon would make a better mayor than he would,” Peggy exclaimed.

“Or the faceless old woman who secretly lives in all of our homes,” said Hercules from where he was sitting underneath Peggy. In response, Alex threw popcorn at their heads.

“You guys are actual trash. Like, that’s the only word for it. Trrrrrraaaaaash.”

“Thanks for the popcorn, honey,” Peggy had an insufferable grin on their face.

“I honestly don’t know how I can put up with all of you.

“Il est parce que vous nous aimez.”

“C’est vrai. Je ne sais pas ce que je ferais sans vous les gars.”

“Back to English, if you don’t mind, some of us don’t speak French,” John said, wrapping his arms tighter around Alex’s middle. 

“John Laurens, no finjas que no lo ama.”

“Tienes razón.”

“It’s really not fair that you can switch languages like that,” Hercules said. “I can only speak English, and sometimes even that’s hard.”

“I don’t know, I guess I’m just special, that’s all.”

“You are the most special person I’ve ever met, and don’t let anyone tell you that you aren’t,” John whispered loud enough for only Alex to hear. Alex felt his gentle fingers brushing over the bruises that were scattered over his arm; his reminder that he wasn’t good enough. But, if John was to be believed, maybe he was good enough. It wa the small thing that always made him feel better. The hands lightly twisting his hair, the light kisses, the soft kind words. All of these were things that he had never experienced before. Before he met John. He wasn’t the solution to all of his problems; he was what took his mind off of them.

* * *

About fifteen minutes later, Mrs. Washington came into the room.

“If you guys want, you can call your parents and see if they’ll let you stay the night. George can drive to school in the morning.” Alex saw Eliza quickly send a text to ask if she and Peggy could stay, and he could feel John pulling his phone out of his pocket to text hi parents.

“I’ll just call my dad in the hallway, if that’s alright. I’ll be right back” Alex knew that in hallway, nobody would be able to hear the conversation. He called his dad’s number reluctantly.

“H-hey dad.” He took a deep breath, and tried to regulate his breathing so that his voice sounded normal. He wanted it to sound like he wasn’t scared out of his mind. He didn’t know why a simple phone call filled him with so much fear. People called their parents all the time without a problem. But then again, James Hamilton wasn’t most parents.

“What do you want? I’m busy.” No hello. No greeting at all.

“I just wanted to know if I could stay the night a the Washington’s house. It’s alright if you say no.”

“I know it’s alright if I say no. You have to listen to me no matter what.” He was using that condescending voice that Alex hated so much.

“So, can I?”

“I guess. Everything is always easier without you in the house anyway.” It’s not like he ever willing left his room anyway.

“Thanks, Dad.”

“Just leave me alone.” And then he hung up. No goodbye. No nothing.  _ He probably wouldn’t even care if I died.  _ At that moment, as if he could read his mind, John appeared around the corner. Without saying a word, he pulled him into a tight hug. After a minute or so just standing there in each other’s arms, John spoke.

“Let’s go back into the living room. I’ll help you forget.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Translation Time!!!!!*  
> Il est parce que vous nous aimez - it's because you love us  
> c'est vrai. Je ne sais pas ce que je ferais sans vous les gars - It's true. I don't know what I would do without you guys.  
> John Laurens, no finjas que no lo ama - John Laurens, don't pretend that you don't love it  
> tienes razón - You're right
> 
> I know irl John Laurens spoke French, but for the sake of this, pretend that he doesn't.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is like all from Angelica's pov, because plot progression.
> 
> This chapter takes place at the same time as the events from the previous chapter.
> 
> lowkey Agent Carter reference in this

_ Angelica _

It was just after 6:00, and Angelica Schuyler was getting ready to leave the campaign office, when she realized she still had a stack of papers on her desk that belonged in Mr. Madison’s office. She glanced up at the clock, and saw that he had probably already went home for the night. Everyone else had gone home as well. She wouldn’t be back in the office until late afternoon the next day because of school. She decided it would be best just to leave the papers on his desk, where he would be able to easily find them in the morning. Thankfully, when she tried to open the door, it wasn’t locked.  _ That’s strange. Usually this door is locked at 5:00 sharp.  _ Stranger still, Madison’s laptop was still open on his desk; logged on and everything. 

_ It couldn’t hurt if I just take a quick look. No one is around, and he probably just left this here by accident. _

She walked around his desk, until she was facing the computer screen. Then she noticed the jacket. It was early December, and in New York it was already pretty freezing outside. There was no way in hell that he left without his jacket. Even if he had forgotten it, as soon as he got outside he would have remembered to go and grab it. He would have also probably remembered his laptop, sitting open on a desk in an unlocked office. He hadn’t left the building at all. He was still lurking around somewhere, and there Angelica was, in his office looking at what could be confidential files. And on top of all of that, there was no one else in the building, except maybe a janitor or two. This really was  _ not  _ a good situation to be in. 

Her worst fears were realized when she heard footsteps and quiet voices approaching. She froze for a second, but only for a second. She was a Schuyler after all; the oldest and the wittiest. She looked over at the open door at the side of the office. It was a small walk in closet, mostly filled with office supplies. It wasn’t ideal, but it was her only option. She ran inside, leaving a small crack open in the door, just enough for her to see out but still not be seen herself. She could hear the voices even clearer now.

“-no, no, I’m positive. Everyone went home for the night.” It was easily recognizable as Mr. Madison’s voice.

“Good, I’m tired of seeing all of those people running about. It’s been a rough day.” That voice she didn’t recognize, but she could tell however, that the person was definitely British. 

“Come into my office, I have some brandy I've been saving for a time like this.”

“It would be my pleasure, James.” The heavy door shut behind them. Angelica could now see the other man's face clearly. He was tall, with light brown hair and blue eyes, and he walked very self confidently; it was like he acted like he was royalty or something. The two men sat down; Madison at his desk, and the British one in the chair across from him. She hoped that they wouldn’t be there for long. From where she was standing, peering through the crack in the door, it was hard to see them anymore. She just heard the sound of clinking glasses, and drinks being poured.

“So, James, how’s your wife? Dolley, isn’t it?”

“She’s great. She does what she’s supposed to: look pretty and keep her mouth shut.”

“I feel bad only asking about your wife. How’s your girlfriend?” Both men laughed, and Angelica felt sick to her stomach. This guy was even worse than she had previously thought, which really was saying a lot.

“She’s as slutty as ever.” Angelica felt her blood boiling. She wanted so badly to open that door, and tell them exactly what she thought about that fucking hypocrite that called himself the mayor. But she had to keep her cool, she had to remain calm. She had a level head on her shoulders; she shouldn’t want to jump on every person who made some degrading comment. Instead, she had an idea. 

_ I’ll record these assholes, and if they say anything incriminating I can go straight to the police.  _

She took out her phone, and started to record the conversation. For about ten minutes, the conversation was less than eventful. She gathered that Madison and the man whose name she learned to be George, were friends from college, and they spent the majority of the time recounting exploits from their  _ formative _ years. She started listening a bit more closely when they started talking about politics, and the election. She was even more intrigued when Mr. Madison said,

“Something weird did happen to me recently. Dolley told me about these kids who came to our house poking around, and asking questions. Apperently one of them accused me of rapeing their friend.” Angelica did her best not to breathe too loudly. She didn’t want anything interfering with the recording on her phone.

“Well... did you?”

“Probably. The most recent one was this kid in an alley. He didn’t look more than fifteen years old.” Another laugh. Angelica felt her stomach heave. She almost threw up. 

_ The most recent one? How many times has this sick bastard done this?  _

“The young ones are the worst sometimes, all that crying and screaming. It’s worth it though, they’re usually virgins.”

“Aren’t you worried those kids might go to the police?”

“Who would believe them? Everyone knows me as one of the most morally upstanding politicians. Besides, I own half of the police force anyway.” 

_ Well, we’ll just have to go to the other half.  _

“I still don’t like it. I’ve put a lot of money into this campaign, and a lot is riding on whether you get re-elected or not. I even heard a rumor that Henry Laurens was thinking about running, and if anyone can beat you, it’s him.” 

_ That must be John’s father. I wonder if he knows anything about that.  _

“Even if that is true, Laurens and I go way back, and we could even work together. We have similar political stances, and he could work well as my deputy mayor.”

“If you both go way back, as you say, does he know about your... illicit activities?”

“I’m sure he does, but he won’t talk. I’m sure he’s got plenty of secrets of his own. I heard something through the political grapevine, that his beats his kids. I don’t know if it’s true, but we all have our secrets.” Angelica didn’t think that he would be able to handle much more of their conversation. She was finding out things that she never wanted to, and now that they were in her mind, they were never leaving. She was supposed to be the strong one, so why was this so hard for her? 

The more scandalous aspects of the conversation quickly trickled away, and soon they were back to talking about sports or something. Angelica didn’t care. She just wanted to leave. Soon, she thought that she had gotten her wish, when she heard them start saying their goodbyes. They were standing up, and then they were heading out the door. Then she heard the door swish shut, then a soft click and the sound of a key turning, and just like that she was locked in. 

_ Shit.  _

She quickly texted her siblings.

 

Angel: Hey guys, i have small problem

Lizard: omg angie, we were so worried about you when you didn’t come back at the usual time. Are you alright???

Angel: I’m fine. I just seem to have accidently gotten myself locked in james madison’s office

Sin: wtf angie that doesn’t sound fine

Angel: Well peggs, it’s really not

Lizard:Do u know if there’s some way we can get in the building?

Angel: i don’t think so it’s usually locked up pretty tight

Sin:that’s literally never stopped me

Angel: please don’t do anything dangerous/stupid

Sin: those are my middle names

Angel: lizzie please stop them

Lizard: ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

Lizard: u know i can’t actually do that

Lizard: also, why r u locked in his office anyway

Angel: long story i’ll tell you all later, but more importantly, I think I have something that we can take to the police and they’ll have to believe us 

Sin: i’m literally coming over there rn 

Sin: u can’t stop me

* * *

 

True to their word, Peggy was at the office almost immediately. The real problem was, Angelica was right, everything was locked up. They had foreseen this obstacle, so with them they had brought Hercules, who was apparently very good at dismantling alarm systems.

“I don’t even want to know where you learned these skills.” They whispered at him.

“You’re just jealous because you ain’t got no skills.”

“Jealous? I’m not jealous, while you can dismantle alarms, I can pick locks like a boss.” 

“Then go!” 

Five minutes later, they had worked their way up to the floor the campaign office was on. Peggy easily unlocked the door to Madison’s office.

“Thank god you guys are here! I really didn’t want to be in here when Madison comes back in the morning.”

“What were you saying about finding evidence?” Peggy asked.

“Let’s go back and tell the others. I should show this to you all at once. You won’t believe what I found out.”

__

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What is it with these kids and hiding in closets?
> 
> Tomorrow is my birthday, so I wanted to get this chapter done by today. *loudly sings happy birthday to myself*


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yikes it took a lot longer to write this than it should have. The next one might take a while too because next week I have finals, and I'm actually going to try to be productive and study.

_ Alex _

Alex visibly shuddered when he heard James Madison’s voice.

“I can turn it off if it’s too much for you.” Angelica said to him worriedly.

“No. I’m fine, I need to know what he said.”

“Can you just promise me that if it gets too much for you, or if you start to panic, you’ll tell me?”

“I promise.” Alex promised, but he didn’t know if he would be able to keep it. A panic attack seemed almost inevitable, but he needed to know everything. As the recording played, he started to feel worse and worse. It hurt, the way Madison brushed it off like it was nothing to him. Just another boy in an alley.

_ “I even heard a rumor that Henry Laurens was thinking about running, and if anyone can beat you, it’s him.” _

Alex felt John’s fists clench, and the tension in his whole body was evident.

“He never said anything about it to me, but it’s definitely something that he would do. It's just what I need,” he sighed. 

_ “I’m sure he’s got plenty of secrets of his own. I heard something through the political grapevine, that his beats his kids. I don’t know if it’s true, but we all have our secrets.” _

Alex turned to look at John, trying to read the pained expression on his boyfriend’s face.

“John-”

“Don't. It's nothing.”

“It's not nothing. If he's hurting you, we have to know.” Peggy sounded more genuinely concerned than they had ever sounded in their life. “Angie, turn it off. We need to talk about this.”

“It's really nothing, I swear.”

“If it's nothing, why do you look so scared?” Angelica asked, looking directly at the boy wrapped in Alex's arms.

“He never hurt me that badly, if anything, it would just be a light slap. Never even left a mark.”

“John, that's not normal. He shouldn't be touching you like that at all.” Alex knew that it was hypocritical for him to be saying stuff like that, taking into account all the times his father hit him and then brushed it off like it was nothing. But this was different. No one was allowed to hurt  _ his  _ John. Alex might not be able to defend himself, but he sure as hell wasn't going to let John get hurt.

“I can see you’re getting mad, so  _ please  _ don’t get mad. Like I said before, it doesn’t even hurt, it just scares me sometimes. Mostly he just yells at me, and that’s all.”

“That’s not okay at all,” Eliza said; her voice always the most soothing. “We just want to help you.”

“What does your mom do when your father does all of this?” Alex’s voice sounded slightly hysterical, even to him. He couldn’t help it; it hurt him to think John being scared. John was always the one who protected him and made him feel better. He was the one who would calm him down during a panic attack and told him that everything was going to be alright. “Does anyone do anything at all to help you?”

“My mom doesn’t say anything, she knows better than to talk back to him. She probably wants to help, but is worried that he’ll yell at her too.”

“Guys, I really think we need and adult to help us. There is only so much that a bunch of high schoolers can do, and we’re dealing with a lot of bad stuff. Illegal stuff.” Eliza sounded worried, and no matter how much Alex wanted to deal with this by himself, he knew that she was probably was.

“Eliza is right,” he said. “We need help or none of this is ever going to stop.”

“And of course, I think we all know the perfect adults,” Lafayette said. “The Washingtons.” The entire group nodded in agreement. “Let me go get them.  Je reviens tout de suite!”

“While they’re gone, Anglica, you should totally send that recording to all of us, just so we all have a copy just in case something happens,” Hercules said after Lafayette bounded out of the room. “Believe me, I’ve seen Pretty Little Liars enough to know how easy it is to get rid of evidence if only one person has it.”

“He’s right, I’ll send it to you guys right now.”

“I have to say I’m quite impressed at your ability to make Pretty Little Liars relevant to real life,” Peggy said while leaning back into the couch.

“What can I say? It’s a passion.”

After only a few mintues, Lafayette came back with Mr. Washington in tow.

“I’m sorry my wife couldn’t be here right now, but she’s volunteering at the animal shelter right now.” Mr. Washington walked farther into the living room, until he was standing in front of Alex and John. “Laf told me the basics of what happened, and I want you boys to know that Martha and I will try to help you as best a we can.”

“Thank you sir.” Alex still wasn’t completely comfortable talking to adults, and especially adult men, but Laf seemed to trust him, so he couldn’t really be that bad. He just really wanted someone to help them that people would actually listen to. He had tried so hard his entire life to get people to listen to him, but it just never worked.

“It’s no trouble son, we want to be sure that you’re alright.”

“Please, don’t call me son.” It reminded him of his father, and that was never a good thing.

“I apologize, I should have realized.”

“It’s fine, I’m just still kind of uncomfortable with that stuff.”

“I understand, and that’s why I want to help you. I’m planning on contacting this lawyer I know who can advise us of the best course of actions, so you won’t have to worry anymore.” 

Alex knew that he was a long way from not having to worry anymore.

“Can you please do something to help John first? That’s the most important thing to do right now.”

“No Alex, I told you not to worry about me. You need more help than me, and you have got to be a priority.” 

Alex wasn’t used to being a priority; he was used to just being cast aside. 

But then again, his world kept on changing everyday, and it had literally turned upside down.     

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to wait until the evening to write this, because it has been so hot, it's literally impossible for me to think. Just today it was 95 degrees, and I think I died a little inside.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> School is finally over!!! *What time is it? Summertime, it's our vacation What time is it? Party time, that's right, say it loud*  
> That was the mandatory high school musical break. 
> 
> I know i haven't updated in forever, but now I have a little more time, so the probably won't happen again. If you haven't already, check out the other fic I'm writing currently. This is still my main focus, and I will be updating this more often.  
> Cheers!

_ Alex _

Apparently, under the New York State law that regulated rape cases, this was considered rape of a child in third degree. The sentence could be up to fifteen years in prison if Madison were to be convicted.

It took three days for Mr. Washington to talk to his lawyer, and for Alex, they were the longest three days of his life. He would pace his room back and forth for hours, just thinking. He didn’t want his dad to find out; that was really the very last thing that he wanted. He also knew however that there would be no way to press charges without his dad finding out. It would be this whole huge political scandal that he would be the center of. He was hesitant to tell anyone, even John, how scared he really was. He felt bad that he was avoiding John at school, he knew he didn’t deserve someone as great and understanding as him in his life, so he tried to distance him as much as possible from the all the drama of Alex’s life. He then remembered he hadn’t texted John the usual “I’m alright, everything’s fine, don’t worry, I love you” text when he got home from school. He was about to pull out his phone and do that when he heard a crash.

It was around 4:30 in the afternoon when Alex’s dad stormed into his room. He had been home from school for about an hour, and the house had been relatively quiet. His dad hadn’t been home when he got there, which was nothing unusual because of the time he got off work. When he actually decided to go to work. Alex could vividly remember the the week in second grade when kids parents would come in to talk about where they worked. He remembered every kid’s parent showing up except his. He had become accustomed to his dad’s questionable parenting,and never said anything about it to anyone. 

He had started hitting him after his mom died. He was only ten years old, and didn’t fully understand why his dad kept saying that it was his fault. At first he tried to fight back, tried to tell his dad to stop, that it wasn’t his fault, but it never worked. Eventually, he gave up. It was more trouble than it was worth, and talking back always resulted in a worse punishment. 

As usual, Alex had jumped a little when he heard the front door opening; a loud bang normally followed by a string of curses. He was particularly surprised that day, because James Hamilton rarely came home before at the earliest 6:00, no matter where he was that day. Alex knew that whatever reason his dad had for being home early, it had to involve him. He took a deep breath, stood up, and prepared to apologize for whatever it was his dad was going to yell at him for doing. One thing he had gotten good at over the years was thinking of apologies. He did it out of necessity, but he figured that all of the years of having to think of something to say without much notice just gave him practice for real life. Or maybe it just made him talk to much, he wasn’t really sure. Today however, Alex could tell that his dad was especially angry; the footsteps on the stairs were louder than they usually were. Talking wasn’t going to help him now. His door was thrown open. 

**“** Look, I’m sorry. I won’t-”

“Shut up! I’m done with you and your half assed apologies. Just stop saying sorry all the time!”

“I’m sorry-”

“See? You did it again. I fucking told you that I’m done with this!” The level of volume his voice was at, seemed to make the very walls shake.

“What did I do?” His voice was quiet, scared. It wasn’t like him to be timid, but in situations like this it was in his best interests to be as unassuming as possible.

“You know what you did, so don’t try and play dumb with me little boy.” Little boy. That’s what he always called him when he wanted he to feel small, to feel alone, to feel powerless. It was definitely working. “You’ve been hanging around that old jackass, Washington a whole lot lately. I have friends in high places, and I’ve heard something involving you, him, and a lawyer.” Alex doubted that fact the his father had any friends, least of al in “high places” as he put it. He probably just heard it in passing from some sleazy lawyer that worked in the courthouse that he did electrical work for once in awhile. “I want to know what this is for, and why you’re going behind my back!”

“It nothing really, I swear it’s nothing, please don’t-”

“Enough!” He was cut off again. “You’re going to tell me what you’re seeing a lawyer for, or I’ll fucking beat it out of you!” Alex’s eyes were starting to lose focus, his mind was cloudy with a million different thoughts, and he could feel every bone in his body trembling. He couldn’t get his mouth to work properly, there was no sound coming out. Then he felt a hand close around his throat. His arms and legs started thrashing all on their own, but that too became a struggle. The last thing he felt was the hand still around his throat, pushing him against the wall. The world faded to black.

* * *

 

_ John _

John was worried. Alex hadn’t spoken to him at school, he had hardly even looked at him. He had only texted him two times over the past three days, and that was only one text a day to tell him that he was alright, he just needed some time to clear his head, and that he shouldn’t worry. Now on the third day, Alex hadn’t texted him when he got home from school. He had given him an hour, but there was still nothing. He was getting really worried now. He slipped out of his room, down the stairs, and out the front door without anyone in his family seeing. He was going to make sure that Alex was okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big thank you to IminHamiltonHell for wise words and plenty of much needed encouragement.  
> Also thanks to my friend Jaidyn (who i will never not refer to as A. Burr) for suggestions, and yelling at me to write for this more(i have problems with procrastination, and writing "raps" about hillary clinton)
> 
> And of course, thank you to everyone who reads this. Y'all are the #swaggiest (i say it ironically, jeez)  
> xoxoxoxox


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a warning, I have zero medical knowledge, I just googled some stuff and I hope that it's right.(story if my life tbh)
> 
> I realize that some of this is probably inaccurate, but hey, I never promised greatness. I also spent the day putting price tags on oddly shaped candles, which surprisingly takes a lot out of a person emotionally and physically.

_ John _

“Fuck. Alex, are you okay?” When John raced up the stairs of the Hamilton home, he found his boyfriend crumpled in a heap against the wall of his bedroom. “Nevermind, that was a stupid question, of course you aren’t okay. What happened to you?” John quickly went over and knelt by his side. 

“John? What are you doing here?” Each word seemed to be punctuated with a labored breath.

“I was worried when you didn’t text me when you got home.”

“What are you doing here?” Alex repeated, his eyes never focusing on John’s face.

“Alex, you just asked me that.” If he had been worried previously, it was even worse now. Alex seemed slightly dazed, and it was almost like he wasn’t sure where he was.It dawned on him that from the position he had found Alex in, he must have hit his head, and pretty hard by the look of it. He wondered if his dad was involved somehow. He hadn’t seen Mr. Hamilton when he came in the house,but he didn’t know if that meant he did this to Alex or not.  _ At least he knows who I am. That’s a good sign, I think.  _

“Can you tell me how long you’ve been here?” He asked the disoriented boy on the floor in front of him.

“I-I don’t really remember. It was probably only a minute or two.” The response came after a few seconds of what seemed like trying to figure out what to say. It usually never took him that long to answer.

“Do you remember what happened?” It was doubtful, considering he couldn’t even tell him how long he had been there.

“Not really.” Another long pause followed. “I remember blacking out, and then waking up, and then you were here. And now my head really hurts. That’s all.”

It had to be a concussion, and a bad one at that.

“I’m going to call Mr. Washington and tell him to bring his car here, and then we can take you to urgent care or something. Alright?” Alex looked like he was still trying to process everything he had just said. “Do you think you can stand?”

“Yeah, it’s not that bad. I can walk.” That statement was proved to be false when he attempted to stand, and found himself falling to the floor once more. “I can do it, just let me try again.” He never was one to give up.

“No you’re not. You’re going to stay here and not move until Mr. Washington comes with the car.” He took out his cell phone and called Mr. Washington, whose number had been added to his contacts by Lafayette. Mr. Washington told him that he could be there in about fifteen minutes. When he hung up, he looked back at Alex, and saw that there were the beginnings of tears started to form in his eyes.

“It hurts so much, I just can’t take it.” John hated to see him in pain.

“It’ll be alright. We’re going to get you help, and then it won’t hurt anymore.”

“Promise?”

“I promise.”

* * *

 

Urgent care was crowded, and loud, and brightly lit. All things that were no doubt hurting Alex’s head even more. Mr. Washington went up to the receptionist at the desk, and told him what was wrong. He told them to wait, and that a nurse would be out soon to help them. Thankfully, one did arrive shortly.

“Are you his parent or guardian?” The nurse asked Mr. Washington. 

“No, I’m just a friend. I wasn’t able to locate his father. Based on previous injuries, it seems as if his father might be responsible for the damage.”

“Alright, we’ll still need you to fill out this form with all of the information you can give us.” She handed Mr. Washington a some papers and a pen. “I also need your permission to perform a ct scan.” 

“Do whatever you need to do. Treat him as if he were my son.”

“You can sit out here in the waiting room.” She motioned to the room full of brightly colored chairs. John didn’t really want to sit there not knowing what happened to Alex, or even if he was going to be alright, but he resigned himself to sitting in one of the push chairs that lined the room. They thing that worried John the most were Alex’s eyes. They were usually so alert and aware, but when he found him there on the ground, they were clouded over and confused. He didn’t think he had ever seen him looked confused in his life.

“Do you think he’s going to be alright?” He asked Mr. Washington once they were seated.

“Well son, I know that the doctors here will do whatever they can to help him.” It still wasn’t really answering his question, but he decided not to pursue it any longer. Instead he texted all of their friends to let them know what happened. They all asked him to let them know as soon as a found anything out.

* * *

 

About forty minutes later, a guy in lab coat came out of the room they took Alex into.

“If you could please follow me, I have some information about the patient,” the man who John assumed to be a doctor said, addressing Mr. Washington as he spoke. Fortunately, he didn’t need to say anything, as Mr. Washington seemed to be able to read his mind and said,

“Can John come along as well? The two are very close, and I’m sure he wants to know what happened.”

“No problem. The two of you can come this way.” They followed the man into the room. “So it seems as if the the patient has sustained a severe concussion from trauma dealt to the back of the head. The good news is that the scans turned up negative for any internal bleeding, so he should be able to make a full recovery.”

“Does that mean that there’s still a chance that he might not?” John asked; worry evident on his face.

“With severe concussions, there are always chances of frequent headaches, difficulty remembering things, difficulty concentrating, etc. But those things don’t always happen, and as long as he gets some rest he should be fine.” Although the doctor’s word were comforting, he still didn’t feel very at ease.

“There is one more concern that we would like to addresses.” John felt his heart sink. There was something wrong, he knew it. “As medical care providers, we are mandated by law to report any cases of child abuse or maltreatment, and from what you were able to tell us, it seems like this is a very clear case.” 

“I understand. From what I learned today, Alexander’s home life is less than ideal, and I think it would be best if he were to be put into protective custody.” Mr. Washington’s voice still had the same calm stoic tone it always did, but underneath, John could still see how much the man really did care about Alex’s wellbeing.

“A lawyer will have to take care of all of that, but I can recommend that course of action due to the severity of his injuries. And now, if you don’t have anymore questions for me, I can release him into your custody.”

“Thank you very much,” Mr. Washington said as he stood, shaking the doctor’s hand. “We’ll make sure that he is well taken care of.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One day this fic will end, I swear. I know I seem to just be piling stuff on, but I sort of have a plan.(No promises)
> 
> Idk but this chapter seemed kind of forced as I was reading it over, so I apologize if it sucks.
> 
> Thanks for reading!  
> xoxoxoxox


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter: feat. martha washington being mom™

_Alex_

Alex woke up with a cat laying across his chest. It was little grey kitten with sharp blue eyes that were staring directly into Alex’s brown ones. The cat barely weighed anything, and Alex had no idea where it had come from. His memories of the past day or two were cloudy at best, but he was now starting to remember bits and pieces. He glanced at the clock that was on top of the table next to the bed: 2:14pm. He bolted upright, and in doing so he knocked the cat off the bed, and it scampered away in a flash. The sudden movement also made him take notice of the thudding pain in his head. Even the thought of standing up made him feel sick. The only thought that he had was that he was late for school. He picked up his phone to text one of his friends, and find out what was happening. As he was reaching for it, he noticed a piece of paper was taped to the screen.

_Don’t try to stand up. When you wake up, text me and I will come up to see if you need anything._

_P.S. The cat’s name is Alexander the Second._

_-Martha_

Alex texted Mrs. Washington, and before long he heard her footsteps coming up the stairs.

“How are you feeling?” she asked him as she pulled a chair for her to sit in up next to the bed.

“My head feels like there are five thousand hammers hitting it all at once, but other than that I’m fine.”

“The said that it might be a few weeks until you feel better, so until then, the best thing you can do now is get some rest. He also said that going to school might be difficult for a while, so you might only be able to go for half days.”

“No!” Alex immediately regretted raising his voice, because of the pain that started to shot through his head. “Sorry, i just can’t miss school, I’ll get so behind on everything.”

“From what Lafayette has told me, you have absolutely nothing to worry about as far as your school work is concerned.” It was true; Alex was at least a month ahead in all of his classes, and on top of that he did every extra credit assignment offered. He still had the deep underlying fear that he would never succeed if he didn’t do well in school, and to him, missing school was one of the worst possible things that could happen to him. He decided not to push the subject anymore, because he knew that no matter what he said, Mrs. Washington would still want him to stay home and recover. She kind of reminded him of his own mom. Suddenly, the grey cat jumped on the bed, as if he was eager for attention.

“Where is he from? I don’t remember you having a cat before.”

“I actually just got him the day before you went to urgent care. He was at the animal shelter that I volunteer at, and I couldn’t resist adopting the little guy. He’s been through a lot; he’s been in homes with some bad people, and needs a lot of help recovering. He’s been so strong for such a little cat.” The cat seemed to know that they were talking about him, because his head popped up, and his blue eyes were looking back and forth between the two of them.

“Why did you name him Alexander?”

“He reminded me and George of you. And he developed a strange attachment to you as soon as you came back from urgent care.”

“Really?’

“He was very skittish around people when I brought him home, and he wouldn’t jump on people’s laps like most cat do, but as soon as he found you up here, he jumped on this bed and curled right up next to you. I’ve never seen anything like it.”

Alexander (the cat) plopped himself down where he had been previously; right in the center of Alex’s (the human’s) chest.

“I’ve really never seen anything like it. You two are like two peas in a pod.”

* * *

 

_John_

With a heavy heart, John knocked on the door of his father’s study. The sound echoed through the large house, filling him with a sense of dread.

“Come in.” His tone was as cold and unfeeling as usual. His father was sitting in his normal place; in the large leather swivel chair behind his long wooden desk. There was a marble fireplace off to the side that was crackling and popping as the wood burned. It wasn’t even cold enough to warrant the use of a fireplace, but he guessed he did it to make himself appear to be more impressive. John always felt especially insignificant when he was in this room; it was his father’s territory, so he tried to avoid it as much as he could. Just being in the same room as the guy made him feel uncomfortable.

“Don’t just stand there. If you have something to say, say it, I am incredibly busy.”

“Sorry to bother you, but I just heard a rumor that you might have been thinking about running for mayor, and I was just wondering if-”

“Where did you hear that?” He snapped, cutting him off.

“I have this friend who knows James Madison, and she-”

“James Madison wouldn’t know politics if they went up and hit him in the face. That being said, if he _does_ win the election, I wouldn’t say no to being the assistant mayor.”

“Do you know... anything at all about James Madison, like, personally?” John could tell that he was starting to get on his father’s nerves. He wouldn’t be in his father’s office asking all of these questions if he didn’t think it would help Alex.

“Why would you be asking that?”

“I was just curious.”

“Well stop. I know things about James Madison that would make the devil look like a saint, and although I don’t care too much about the man myself, I keep his secrets, he keeps mine. Now, if you’re done asking me annoying questions, you can leave my office. Immediately.” His father looked back down at his desk to continue his work.

“Sorry to have bothered you.” He turned around and started walking towards the door.

“And stop asking so many questions. It will get you in trouble one day.”

“Sorry, sir. I will try.”

“And one more thing, stop hanging around that Hamilton boy. He’s no good; not for people like us.” Where did that come from? It had seemingly come out of the blue, but it worried him. There’s was always the chance that his father had seen something, that he had heard something. He knew his father. He knew that he could and would find some way to hurt Alex if he ever found out about their relationship.

“I’ll keep it in mind.” He quickly left the room. As soon as he shut the door, he closed his eyes and leaned against the wall. He slid down the wall until he was sitting with his knees to his chest. Everything was happening at once, and it was all too much for him to handle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See, I'm not completely incapable of writing a not sad chapter.
> 
> Thank you for reading!  
> xoxoxox


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit different, but I had an idea, so here it is.  
> (sorry for any mistakes, I didn't have time to proofread)

_ Maria _

Maria Reynolds’s life was bad, and even  _ that  _ was putting it mildly. When she was seven years old both of her parents had died in a car accident. Her parents never had a lot of money, but they made ends meet, and they were happy. At their funeral, Maria couldn’t even look at the coffins; all she could see were relatives and the few friends her parents had, all milling about forlornly wearing all black. Maria hated black clothes. Her aunt had made her put on a long, heavy black dress; the weight of which only matched the weight she felt in her heart. After that day, she vowed never to wear all black again. Her mother’s favorite color was red, so she promised herself that she would always try to wear at least one red item in honor of her mother.

The aunt whose care she was left in, tried her best to raise Maria well, but she had a lot of trouble. She found that her sister’s child was almost impossible to control. When she was young, she had trouble socializing in a healthy way with other children, including a memorable incident when she had punched a boy in her class for using a racial slur.(he totally deserved it, she said later) When she got older, there were nights that she went out, and didn’t return for five days. \

When she turned eighteen, she left her aunt’s home and tried to have a good life. It was easier said than done for a very young woman all alone on the streets of New York City. She tried to get jobs doing whatever she could, but it still wasn’t easy. She quit one job she got as a waitress at a cheap restaurant on the first day when she saw the uniforms. They were shapeless, all black, and made Maria shudder. If she couldn’t wear her red, she couldn’t do the job. She could never forget her mother. She moved around a while, from bad job to bad job, until one day a man approached her in the library one night. She spent a lot of time in libraries, especially ones that were open all night, because it was unlikely that they would throw her out, and there were some nights that that was her only option for a place to sleep. She knew the man was sketchy the moment she laid her eyes on his greasy blond hair and his rumpled suit. He introduced himself as Charles Lee, and told her that he owned a club. A real “high class establishment” as he called it. She wasn’t stupid; she knew what that really meant, but that didn’t change the fact that she needed money. Bad.

The Cat Scratch Club was where she worked. Her clients were rich old men who had too much time on their hands. It was awful and she hated every second of it, but it was still a living. It was there that she first met her (now ex) husband, James. He was a bouncer, and he told her every night that she was too pretty to work in a place like that. He said he could take her away from all of that, give her anything she wanted, make her his princess. She believed him. All she had ever wanted was for someone to really and truly care for her. They got married a few months after they met, and James told her that she had to quit her job. He said that his wife wasn’t going to be a slut for the rest of her life. She then applied to numerous jobs that her husband deemed “respectable”. It was hard for her to get another job, because once a prospective employer found out that her previous job had been as a prostitute, they weren’t very willing to hire her. They just didn’t understand that that was her only option, that she did it because she had to survive, that it didn’t define her as a person. There was only one man who didn’t seemed phased when she told him about her previous job: James Madison. He said that she seemed qualified, and that she could start work as a maid/his personal assistant right away.

After one year of working for the Madisons, it would seem that her life had completely turned around. She was working a well paying job, she had a husband who cared about her, and she had even had a baby during that year. Sometimes she found it hard to balance work, and taking care of her daughter Susan, but she managed. She always managed. But then, five months later, seemingly out of the blue, her husband left her. He just left. There was a note saying he was gone and wasn’t coming back. She should have known she could trust anyone. She tried to pretend that nothing had happened, she tried to be strong for her daughter, who she now had to raise alone. 

It had been two years since her husband left when three kids showed up at James Madison’s door. At first she wondered if they were the kids of some politician that madison worked with, but then she decided that they didn’t really  _ look  _ like Republicans. She decided that when she saw that the French one was wearing eyeliner, a skirt, and shirt that said, “is that true, or did you hear it on Fox News” They seemed nice enough, and they seemed very polite when they asked to see Mrs. Madison. She took them into the parlor and waited until Mrs. Madison went in and closed the door. She knew that it was a bad idea to spy on the person she worked for, but she was very curious about what they had to say. When she pressed her ear up against the door, she could hear every word that was being said. She knew that it was more than a friendly visit when the girl asked if everything was alright at home. She could just imagine Mrs. Madison’s face when she asked that. When one of the said that Mr. Madison raped their friend she was pretty sure she stopped breathing. She thought for sure that she would be found out just by how loud her heart was beating.  _ This is my chance,  _ she thought with a smile.  _ Maybe, just maybe, somebody will believe me now.  _ Because when she heard what they were accusing him of, she absolutely believed them. After all, she knew what James Madison was really like. She knew the shy act was all for the public, all to get more votes. She knew first hand exactly how sick and twisted that man could be. She knew something that her ex husband didn’t even know. 

She knew that James Madison was her daughter’s real father.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It has always been my goal to write fan fiction in as many different places as possible. I've written in planes, trains, buses, a stationary roller coaster, every class i take in school, a church(that was my favorite one) etc. it's sort of my weird bucket list. I felt like y'all needed to know that bit of information. Why? idk. But there ya go.
> 
> Also, if you're interested, read my friend Jaidyn's fic about badass suffragists. Her account is ramos_the_dablord  
> Check it out if that's your thing!
> 
> Thanks for reading!  
> xoxoxox


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'VE RETURNED  
> i'm so emo about everyone in the cast who is leaving today

_Angelica_

“Would you be doll, and run on over to my house to pick up a file?” Madison’s voice was sugary sweet, and it made Angelica sick. 

“Of course sir. Just tell me where I can find it.”

“The maid, Maria, she will be able to tell you where it is.” Angelica recognized the name. After Eliza had went to talk to Mrs. Madison with John and Lafayette, she was gushing about how cute the woman who opened the door was. 

“She had like the most perfect hair; it was all wavy and dark and silky and soft looking. And her skin was so smooth and gorgeous, and everything about her was just so... _ right _ .” She sighed as she rested her head in her hands. “Before, I wasn’t sure what the meaning of life is, but now I’m pretty sure that it’s her.” Eliza had a faraway, dreamy look in her eyes, and her sister could tell that she was completely infatuated.

“Eliza, honey, I’m glad you have a crush on someone, but she is a few years older than you, you don’t exactly have a chance.”

“Come on Angie, I’ll be eighteen in a few months, and she only looked like she was in her early twenties.” Angelica smiled fondly at her younger sister as she went on and on about her new crush. She decided there was no harm in her dreaming. At least she was happy.

When the large front door of the Madison house was opened, Angelica saw exactly what Eliza was talking about. The woman who opened the door was exactly as beautiful as she had described her. 

“Hi, I’m Angelica Schuyler and I’m Mr. Madison’s temporary secretary”

“”Hey sugar, I’m Maria.” Her voice had an almost hypnotic quality to it. 

“Mr. Madison asked me to pick up a file for him. He wrote down the name; he said you would be able to show me where it is.” Angelica gave her the sticky note that the name of the file was written on. 

“Of course, just follow me upstairs and I’ll show you where you can find it.” Her words were soft, almost shy, and yet there was a certain strength about her. As Angelica followed her up the stairs she said,

“I probably shouldn’t be telling you this, my sister would kill me, but she saw you when she and a few of our friends came here to talk to Mrs. Madison, and she hasn’t stopped gushing about you ever since.” Maria’s laugh was loud and boisterous, almost like it didn’t quite match her outwards appearance. “I’m pretty sure her exact words were, ‘I wasn’t sure what the meaning of life is, but now I’m pretty sure that it’s her.” Suddenly Maria stopped at the top of the stairs.

“Wait, you said that your sister and her friends came here a few days ago?”

“Yeah, do you remember them?” Instead of answering, Maria simply said,

“Follow me.”

She lead Angelica to a large wooden door. It must have been locked, because she pulled out an old brass key. When the door was open, she was lead inside to what she assumed was Madison’s home office. 

“Do you have time to talk?” Maria asked hurriedly, closing the door behind them.

“I have a little while; I don’t need to be back until after my lunch hour.”

“Good. Sit down.” She gestured to the large black leather couch, and the both of them sat there.

“Why did you close the door? Is Mrs. Madison here?”

“Yes but she’ll be asleep for a while. Her migraine medicine knocks her out for at least three hours. This room is sound proofed anyway so it doesn’t matter.”

“So, why exactly am I here?”

“I need your help. I have been looking for a way to contact your friends for a while now.”

“About what?”

“Well,” she closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and tried again. “Well, I’m not at all proud of this, but I was listening at the door when they were talking with Mrs. Madison, and I heard some... disturbing thing.” Angelica’s eyes grew wide.

“So- so you know about Alex?”

“Is that his name?” 

Angelica nodded.

“Well then, I guess I do know about Alex. And I want to help you help him.” She looked incredibly sincere, but Angelica still had to be convinced.

“Why would you want him to get arrested? You work for him.”

“Honey, so do you.”

“True. Even though I did get the job for the sole purpose of trying to get him arrested.”

“That is truly admirable, and that’s why I want to help. Although I must admit that some of my reasons are purely selfish.”

“What do you mean?”

“That man did things to me that you can’t even imagine. I want to see him punished for what he did.” Her voice was shaky, and there were just the beginnings of tears forming at the corners of her eyes. “I want him to know that he can’t get away with this.” 

Angelica put her hand on the older woman’s knee.

“I am  _ so  _ sorry. This is why we’re trying so hard to stop him. We can’t have someone like that have so much power that he thinks that he’s above the law.”

“So have you guys found any other evidence we can take to the police?” 

Angelica thought about the recording she had on her phone, and she smiled.

* * *

 

“Hey Alex. Are you feeling any better?” John asked, sitting in the small chair that had been placed next to the bed Alex had been confined to for the past few days. 

“Well, my head is pretty much constantly aching, i’m bored to death because concentrating on anything makes it hurt even more, and all I want to do is scream, but other than that...” Alex was only half serious however. His head did hurt like hell, but he didn’t really mind being forced to stay in bed. Especially if it meant that he didn’t have to go home. If you could even call it a home. Another bonus, was that after school, all of his friends would come and visit him, so he never really was very lonely. “But I mean, I always feel better when you’re around.” He grinned, knowing how cheesy it sounded, but was at the same time pleased that it had made John smile as well.

“You’re cute, you know that right?” John took Alex’s hand in his. The comforting warmth of his hand immediately made Alex relax.

“You do tell me quite often.”

“I’m just making sure. By the way, Angelica said that she was bringing over someone who wanted to talk to you, but only if you’re up for it.”

“That’s fine. Do you know who it is?”

“Angelica didn’t say who it was, she just said it was important.”

After that, they just chatted aimlessly. John telling Alex what was going on at school, and Alex filling in John about his latest opinions about politics. After a while, Alex stopped responding, and John noticed that he had fallen asleep. Quietly, as not to wake him, he stood stood up, brushed the hair out of the sleeping boy’s face, and kissed him delicately on the forehead.

“Sleep well.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I'm going to be away at camp for the next week, so that means no access to electronics(how will i live,i know) so no updates next week until like saturday, maybe(never trust me when i say i will have new chapter by a certain time.)
> 
> Eliza's crushing on Maria is lowkey inspired by my crushing on Jasmine Cephas Jones. (I did once say to a friend "i'm not sure what the meaning of life is, but now I'm positive it's Jasmine's voice.")
> 
> thanks again to jaidyn(ramos_the_dablord) for help with the chapter. (follow our finsta @ur_obedientsrvants it's lit)
> 
> Everyone, do yourself a favor and listen to natasha, pierre and the great comet of 1812. You won't regret it.
> 
> Yell at me: lost-in-alltimelow.tumblr.com
> 
> This is such a long note, smh
> 
> Thank you for reading!!!  
> xoxoxox


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been super busy, but I've finally managed to finish this. Yay!
> 
> This is a pretty dark chapter, so just be careful.   
> Trigger warning for homophobic slurs, and and mild description of a panic attack.

_ John _

"I need to speak with you immediately. Alone." 

As soon as John had opened the door, his father had been standing there; stoic as always, unfeeling eyes glaring. John tried to calm himself down, but he knew in his heart that whatever reason his father wanted to talk with him alone, it couldn't be good. His steps were noticeably heavy as he followed his father up the stairs. 

"Jack, I am severely disappointed in you," he said as soon as they were both inside the office with the door firmly closed. "I thought i told you to stay away from that Hamilton boy." Although Henry's voice was quiet, John could tell that he was seething in anger. What did he know about Alex?

"I hardly ever see him. I'm only around him at school, I swear."

"Don't you lie to me, you stupid fag!" He shouted so loud that John was afraid his younger siblings would be able to hear him, even through the soundproofed walls. "I know that you two are 'dating' or whatever you queers call it."

"No, we just-"

"I know what's going on between you two, so don't even try to deny it." He dug around in his pockets for a few seconds before pulling out a small picture. John's heart sank. It was a picture of him and Alex kissing on a park bench. He remembered that day. It had only been a few days ago, and Alex was feeling a little better, so they went on a walk so he could get some fresh air. Lafayette had gone with them in case Alex started to feel worse, and needed help to get back home. After a few minutes of walking, Alex had needed to sit down so they found a bench. John could remember looking at Alex, and all at once feeling such a strong feeling of love and affection towards his boyfriend. The way the afternoon sun lit up the golden flecks in his dark brown eyes, making them look so alive. His soft hair pulled up in a messy bun, hastily put up. The way his lips curved just right to make them look so kissable. He leaned over...

"Are you even listening to me?!" John was quickly pulled out of his pleasant daydream. Back to reality. "Don't think that you can keep secrets from me. My people are everywhere. I thought this is why you went to that church group. To be cured! Not so you could fuck some bastard brat!"

"Don't call him that! He's a better person than you'll ever be!" John breathed heavily. His head was spinning. He wasn't going to cry. He wasn't going to cry. He wasn't going to cry. He was crying.

"How dare you speak like that to me! I'm am your father. I give you everything. I give you food, clothes, a place to live, and this is how you repay me? You ungrateful spoiled brat!"

"But what about love? When have you ever given me that? You do the bare minimum you have to do for me, and then you think you're the most generous person on earth. Well, I have news for you. I don't need to respect anyone who doesn't respect me. So fuck you." 

Henry Laurens smiled. 

John didn't dare to breathe. Didn't dare to break eye contact.

It wasn't a kind smile. He was a snake getting ready to pounce on his prey.

"You're going to regret you ever said that, young man."

John closed his eyes. 

The snake was biding his time.

* * *

 

_ Alex _

"Alexander Hamilton, I presume." Alex had never seen the man at the door before in his life, and yet there was something oddly familiar about him.

"Yes, that's me."

"You probably don't know me, but I am Henry Laurens. John's father."

John's father. The eyes. That was it. They had the same eyes, but with one major difference. In John's eyes he saw warmth and caring, and in Henry's eyes he only saw coldness.

"May I come in? There is something I want to discuss with you that is probably better spoken behind closed doors." 

Alex was more than a little wary. He was the only one in the house. Nobody except his close friends knew that he was staying with the Washingtons.

"Sure, I guess, come in." He lead the man into the living room, and they sat down opposite of each other, across from a coffee table.

"I am here because I am worried about my son. I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but my Jack is a good kid, and I just want to make sure that you aren't, shall we say, using him." Alex was speechless, which didn't often happen. Using him? He would never do that.

"I'm not exactly sure what you mean, Sir."

"I know all about your 'relationship' and I just want to make sure that you know that I don't think Jack is responsible for it. Now, I don't know what you said to him, or how you manipulated him, but I want it to stop."  _ John wouldn't have told him, I know that. How much does this guy know? _

"I am willing to offer you a proposition that I believe will be mutually beneficial. You break everything off with my son, and you can both walk away from this all. You never even have to think about each other again. Or, if you choose to continue seeing him, I give James Madison your name and address. So which will it be?"

Alex was frozen. He couldn't move, couldn't speak, couldn't even think.

"Yes, I know all about what happened to you. I have people everywhere that all report to me. Oh, and believe me, I've know Madison long enough to know he is not above doing someone twice, especially boys like you. So young and pretty. If he knows where you are, you'll probably be seeing him again very shortly."

"You-you can't do that."

"Oh but I can, dear boy." His smile made Alex sicker than his words. "You'd probably enjoy it as well. You're a whore, just like your mother was. All you are is a little slut, taking advantage of my son."

Whore. 

Slut. 

With those words came memories. Memories he always tried his best to push back as far as he could. He remembered the storm. He remember running. The alley. The harshly lit room. The rough hands on his back. Those words hissed into his ear. The unfamiliar feeling of being entered over and over again. The pain. Lying there: cold, empty, alone. More pain. He couldn't go through that again.  _ Selfish. That's what I am. Selfish. I hurt John to save myself. He's right I do manipulate hmi. He just feels bad for me, that's why he stays with me. He would be so much better if I wasn't around to bring him down. He deserves to be happy. _

"Fine. I'll break it off." His voice was quiet, having lost any sense of self confidence he had left. He was useless. John would be better off. Wouldn't he?

"Glad to hear that you've come to your senses. And don't think you can get away with sneaking around. As I said, I have people everywhere."

Alex didn't even register him getting up and leaving. He couldn't even tell what was and wasn't real anymore. He was losing control. With shaking hands he pulled out his phone. This was all he needed to do. He sent a message. He curled up, right there on the couch, and started sobbing. He just wanted everything to be over. Lafayette found him there in the same position fifteen minutes later. They asked him what was wrong. Alex couldn't answer. They Asked if there was anything that they could do to help. Alex couldn't answer that either.

* * *

_John_

One new message. 

It was from Alex. John smiled. If there was anyone who could cheer him up, it was Alex.

He opened his messages.

**Alex:** _ John, it's over between us. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> As always, comments are my life and I love reading every single one.
> 
> Thanks for reading!  
> xoxoxox


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back with your (not really) regularly scheduled Pain and Suffering™ 
> 
> In this chapter: John has Feelings (nothing else happens? why am I so bad at this writing thing?)

_John_

John didn’t want to believe it. Where was this coming from all of a sudden? He wracked his brain, trying to think of something he said, or something that he did that was wrong, but he came up with nothing. Apparently, Alex just didn’t want him anymore. He didn’t know what to think.

“Thanks for coming to talk to me Laf, I’m just really worried about Alex.”

“Moi aussi. He is not acting like himself. He hardly talks; hardly even comes downstairs.” Immediately after he had received the message from Alex, John texted Lafayette to ask if there was something wrong. They replied, saying that as soon as they got home, they found Alex curled up on the couch, sobbing like it was the end of the world. He couldn’t even tell Lafayette what was wrong.

“He sent me this text, just out of nowhere, and I want to know what I did to make him so upset.”

“I don’t think it’s anything that you did,” Lafayette said, placing a comforting hand on John’s shoulder. “Whatever it is, we should just let him tell us when he’s ready. You and I both know how hard it is for him to open up to people, so just give him some time.”

“I’m just really scared. I don’t want to lose him.”

“I know John, I know.” John rested his head against his friend’s shoulder and closed his eyes.

* * *

_ Alex _

“Okay Alex, if you're ready, could you tell me exactly what happened to you?” The detective spoke slowly and quietly as to not startle him. He was grateful; this was hard enough without having any extra stress added. He wished that John was could be with him.

“It was raining really hard, and I hate rain, so I was looking for somewhere away from the storm.” Alex’s voice was shaky as he began, but grew a bit stronger as he went on. “There was this alley, and I wasn’t thinking right because I was scared. I know that I should never have gone there, I just wanted to get away from the rain.” The detective just nodded, letting him talk.

“I didn’t even hear him coming up behind me. He just grabbed me and shoved me into this room.” Alex continued to tell what happened to him. He felt like he had told this story a million times, and he hated how he had to relive it each time.

* * *

 

A lex was relieved when the detective was finally done asking him questions. The look of surprise was evident on her face when she had asked him if he knew who the assailant was, and he responded with James Madison. He guessed that that was just who it was always going to be; no one really believing him. The detective was talking to the lawyer, and she told them that they could go home, and they would be contacted once they set a court date. Mrs. Washington put her arm around Alex’s shoulder and squeezed lightly. It was the kind of reassuring gesture that he needed. He was reminded of his mother. He didn’t want to be reminded of his mother; not now. With everything else that was going on, it was all too painful. He felt a tear roll down his cheek. He hadn’t even noticed that he was crying. As they were going out the door, Mrs. Washington whispered,

“It’s going to be okay.”

But he didn’t know if he could believe that.

* * *

 

_ John _

“You need to start going back to church.” John’s father delivered this statement without even looking up from the newspaper he was reading. It was the morning after he had received  _ that text, _ and he still felt like he was going to be sick. He hadn’t slept all night; he spent the hours he should have been sleeping, pacing back and forth in his room, trying to think of something he could do. It was during that time that he realized something. He realized that he  _ loved  _ Alex. Before, love was just a word that they flung carelessly around. Now, he knew what his feelings for the small boy that burst into his world, changing it forever were. Those feelings were pure love, and not even his father could take that away from him, no matter how hard he tried. He didn’t want to think about being without Alexander. He couldn’t stand the thought of not being able to see the way his eyes lit up when he was passionate about something, his bright smile that seemed all too rare these days, and the way his hand seemed to fit so perfectly in his. And now it was all over. Alex probably never wanted to see him again, and now his father was telling him he had to go back to church. He had stopped going a few weeks ago; it was too much for him to handle. His father had been going back and forth on business trips to South Carolina and hadn’t been around often enough to know if John was going to church or not. 

“I ran into Aaron Burr the other day, and he asked me why you had stopped going. I, of course, was shocked to hear that you had not been attending, and I gave him my word that you would  be there for the next meeting.” Henry Laurens’ voice was as he said this. Henry Laurens’ voice was never calm when he came anywhere near to discussing his son’s sexuality. John knew this, and he also knew that the calm voice could be attributed to something else. It usually meant that something big had gone his way, and knowing his father, John feared that it couldn’t have been anything good. 

“For a while, I thought that maybe these meetings were helping you, but in light of recent events, I believe that it would be most beneficial if you continued going.” John hated how his father talked about his life like it was a goddamned business deal.

“Fine. I’ll go. It’s not going to make a difference, but I’ll go.” He leaned back in his chair, sighing heavily. His father looked up from his newspaper and glanced at John. He noticed his son’s plate of food had not been touched.

“Is there something wrong, Jack? Aren’t you hungry? And you’ve barely said a word all morning.” His voice sounded smug and self-assured; almost like he knew exactly what was wrong, and he was pleased. But John knew that that was impossible. There was no way that he could have known.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you've noticed by now, I'm really bad at keeping up with an update schedule, so I can make no promises about the next chapter.
> 
> I literally spent all day scrolling through Andrew Chappelle's Instagram/twitter because that man  
> S L A Y S
> 
> Want a random historical fact? Of course you do. Thomas Jefferson had an attack sheep that actually killed someone. That is all. 
> 
> I ramble on so much on here I apologize.
> 
> I live for yall's comments <3
> 
> Thanks for reading!!!  
> xoxoxox


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ew I haven't updated in so long I feel terrible. I don't even really have an excuse, just: life. Sometimes I forget how happy writing makes me, but then I get back into it and everything is better.
> 
> Also, I changed my username from fairly_emotional to typewriterlights

_John_

Saturday morning came, and John had to force himself out of bed. Church meetings were almost bearable when Alex was there with him, and now that he wasn't there he didn't know what he was going to do. After fifteen minutes of walking, the huge austere stone building loomed ahead, and John shuddered involuntarily.

“Mr. Laurens, we’ve been expecting you,” Burr said with an accompanying smile that was straight out of a horror movie, when he reached the church’s deceptively cheery basement. He figured that it would be easier to simply not respond. The meeting began as they normally did: Burr reciting passages from The Bible that were supposedly meant to help them realize how wrong they were.

Everything reminded him of Alex. He remembered all the times they would laugh together about something stupid Burr said. All the times when he actually felt good about himself. It was hard to admit, even to himself, but sometimes what his father was doing was working. There were times when he really hated himself because of who he was. Alex made him forget.

* * *

 

_Alex_

“Unfortunately, the lack of concrete evidence makes it difficult to make an arrest. We might me able to swing an appearance in arraignment court, but even that's optimistic due to who you're accusing and the nature of the crime.” Alex wasn’t stupid; he knew that he had nothing going for him in this case. He knew accusing a major public figure of a heinous crime wasn’t exactly an easy thing to do, considering it was his word against James Madison’s.

“Unless you have solid evidence, I don’t know if you’ll be able to convince any jury.” It was too late for a rape kit, and there was no other evidence that he could think of. Unless... Then it hit him. He remembered the recording Angelica had. He couldn’t believe that he had forgotten. There had just been so much going on, it simply had slipped his mind. He took out his phone.

“Actually,” he started cautiously, “I think I might have something.”  

He took out his phone; a clunky old iphone 4 with a scratched up black case, cracked screen, and a home button that hardly worked. He scrolled through his messages from Angelica until he reached the voice recording. It was about twenty minutes long. Twenty minutes that could save him. As he listened he closed his eyes. He hated what he heard, hated it as much as the first time he had heard it. The offhand manner in which they spoke; talking about him as if he was just a worthless piece of garbage that was thrown away after he was done being used. When it was over, the detective leaned back in his chair, crossed his arms over his chest, and sighed as he said,

“Well I'll be damned.” Then, silence.

“So,” Alex began, finally looking up from the spot on the wall where his eyes had fixated, “is that enough evidence?”

“In a normal situation, yes,” the detective said, carefully avoiding making eye contact with Alex. “But when we’re talking about something like this, a case involving such an important figure, we have to make sure that we are carful with the evidence that we bring to the court room.”

“What do you mean?”

“All I’m saying is that we have to make sure that everything we bring to the table in this case has to be legitimate.”

“Are you implying that this recording isn’t legitimate?” Alex shot back.

“Now son, that’s not what I said.”

“I’m not your son.”

The detective sighed. “What I’m trying to say is I don’t know if you’ll be able to use this as evidence.”

“That’s bullshit!” Alex exclaimed, standing up quickly and slamming his hands on the table with a little too much force. “Anybody in their right mind can see that I’m telling the truth!” He struggled to control his breathing. He was really, _really_ pissed.

“You’ll get a lawyer appointed to you by the state, and you can talk to them about it. Our time is up for today.” The detective left the room quickly, almost tripping on the way out. Alex shot him an angry glance over the shoulder before he slumped back into his chair, defeated. But he knew that he had survived so much up to this point, that this wouldn’t bring him down. After all, it took more than that to bring down Alexander Hamilton.

* * *

 

_John_

After church, John walked to his father’s office. He of course was not actually going to visit his father, he didn’t usually go into the office on Saturdays anyway, but instead he would go see his father’s secretary, Mrs. Landingham. Mrs. Landingham was like a grandmother to him, and often cared more about his problems than his own parents did. She was the first person that he told about being gay. When he did, he started crying, and she gave him a cookie. He was feeling bad that he had been neglecting visiting her in the past few months. He had just been so busy with everything that was going on in his life, it just slipped his mind. If anyone could help him feel better right now, it was her.

“Jack, it’s been too long!” Mrs. Landingham was the only person outside of his family who ever called him Jack. She stood up from behind her and walked around to give him a hug. She smelled like cinnamon and vanilla and home. “What have you been up to? Is that father of yours still sending to that ridiculous church group?” Sometimes John thought she hated his father more than he did, but he never asked why she was still working for him if she hated him so much.

“Yeah, that’s actually where I just was. I had to make a promise to the group that I would try and ‘see the light’ or something like that.”

“I’m sorry you have to go through that Jack.”

“So am I.” They just stood there quietly for a few seconds, neither wanting to break the peaceful silence. Then Mrs. Landingham moved to go back behind her desk.

“Don’t mind me; I just have to rest my bones. Believe it or not, I’m not as young as I used to be.”

John laughed. He always guessed that she was in her late sixties, but she acted so lively and young at times. “How’s that friend of yours? Alex, was it?”

John didn’t really want to talk about Alex. He missed him. He never told Mrs. Landingham that they were dating, and now he regretted it. He wanted to bring Alex to meet her; he had a feeling that they would hit it off right away. They were both just so good at talking about anything at all really. He also wanted him to meet her because he knew he would never be able to introduce Alex to his parents, and she was the closest thing he had to a decent parental figure.

“He’s doing fine,” he lied. He was a terrible liar. Mrs. Landingham could always tell when he was lying.

“What happened, dear?” she looked at him with motherly concern in her bright blue eyes. John took a deep breath.

“Well I realized that I liked him. Like, really liked him, and he said he liked me too so we started dating.  Then a few days ago I got a text from him saying that he was breaking up with me. Who even breaks up over text? Not him; it’s just not like him. And I don’t even know why, we were fine. I’ve been trying to think if there was something I said or something I did wrong, but I just can’t, and I just feel so terrible, and-“

“Jack,” she interrupted him. “Slow down and breathe. I’m sorry all of this happened to you, but are you sure all this is worth it? If he just broke up with you like that, is he really worth all this heartbreak?”

“Yes,” John replied quietly. “He was always worth it.”

“Have you tried talking to him about this?”

“No, I just figured that he wouldn’t want to talk to me.”

“Jack, dear, you know I love you, but sometimes I have doubts about your intelligence. You have a brain, use it! If you don’t talk to him, how are you going to resolve any of this?”

“I guess you’re right,” he admitted, looking down at the checkered pattern in the carpet.

“Just tell the boy how you feel, it won’t do any harm.”

“He’s just been going through a lot recently; I mean he’s always been going through a lot, but now especially. He used to live with his dad after his mother died, but not anymore, because the state deemed it an unsafe environment.”

“By any chance, is his last name Hamilton?”

“Yes, how did you know?” John asked, confused as to how his father’s secretary knew about Alex’s family. Mrs. Landingham seemed lost in thought for a few seconds; reminiscing.

“I knew his mother, Rachel, that poor woman deserved so much better than that terrible man she married. I knew she had a son named Alexander, but I never saw her again after that. She died so young, poor thing,” she sighed. “I guess life for her son hasn’t been very good either.”

“It defiantly hasn’t, and that’s why I want to help him, but I just don’t know how.”

“The best thing you can do for that boy is to be there for him. Even if things are rocky between you right now, let him know that you’ll be there for him no matter what.” She always knew exactly what to say; that’s why he always went to her for advice.

“I’ll try, but I don’t know if he’ll let me.”

“All you can do is try. And make sure you tell me how it goes.”

“Of course I will.”

“Now go get your man, Jack,” she laughed. John walked around to where she was sitting and gave her a hug.

“I’ll do my best,” he knew he sounded more like he was convincing himself than her.

“I know you will, honey,” she said as he approached the door. He looked over his shoulder to look at Mrs. Landingham and felt an overwhelming surge of gratefulness.

At least one person believed in him.

* * *

* * *

 

 

“You didn’t tell him anything did you?”

“Of course not. I’m not a fucking idiot.”

The detective and the police chief were talking in a dimly lit conference room with the door locked.

“Good. We don’t want those kids poking around anymore. They know too much already.”  
“When I was talking to that queer looking one today I told him that there was probably nothing we could do. But with that evidence he has, he could take Madison down.”

“Well that’s what we can’t let happen, not as long as will still want to get our pay checks in the mail.”

“It won’t be too hard. We’ve swept more things under the rug for this guy than I can count. Madison owns half the things in this town, and the police department is one of them.”

“There is no way that we’re letting that fucking kid ruin all of that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> peep the West Wing reference ;)
> 
> I <3 comments
> 
> Thanks for reading!!!  
> xoxoxox
> 
> Please yell at me on tumblr for never updating- typewriterlights.tumblr.com


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woot woot

  _Alex_

Three loud knocks on the heavy oak door woke Alex from his dreamless sleep. He had barely left his room in two days. He kept the door closed, the lights off, and the curtains drawn. He stayed in bed staring at the ceiling, not having any reason to do anything else. Mr. or Mrs. Washington would bring food up to his room, but they understood that he needed time to himself, so they didn’t stay long. He tried to eat, but even that was difficult. When he heard the knock at the door, he just assumed that he had slept until dinnertime, and it was someone bringing him food. He got up and unlocked the door, and didn’t find one of the Washingtons, but instead, it was John.

”What are you doing here?” he asked, voice still not fully functioning after just waking up.

“I really wanted to see you. To talk,” John replied somewhat nervously. “Mr. Washington let me in. He told me that you haven’t left your room in a few days.”

“It doesn’t matter, I’m just tired. You shouldn’t be here.” Alex made a move to close the door, he wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone, but John put his hand on the door to stop him.

“Alex, we need to talk, you can’t just push this aside, and you can’t just push me aside. Just tell me what I did wrong.” His voice was pleading, and he looked like a kicked puppy. Alex’s heart hurt.

“I can’t. You just really need to go, and don’t let anyone see you leaving. I just- I just want you to know that it’s not your fault.”

“Then tell me what's wrong!” Alex flinched slightly from the other boys raised voice.  

“Just come in, and for god’s sake, stop shouting,” Alex hissed, motioning him inside and then closing the door.

“Alex, I want to make sure that-“

“Can you just shut up for five seconds?” His voice was exasperated. He was tired of having to pretend that he didn’t want him there. People always said that he lacked impulse control, and what he did next exemplified that point; he kissed him. He just walked over to the taller boy, put his arms around his waist, and kissed him. It felt like coming again after being away for a long time. He wasn’t expecting to be pushed away a few seconds later.

“You can’t just do that,” John said, his voice sounding hurt.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that you can’t just tell me that we’re over and then do, _that._ You can’t play me like this.”

“I’m sorry, I just wasn’t thinking. It’s been a rough week.”

“I know it has, and I want to help you, but I can’t when you don’t open up to anyone.”

“I would if I could,” Alex muttered bitterly.

“I don’t understand; why can’t you tell me?” Alex’s heart rate sped up. He was starting to get nervous. He couldn’t tell John what his father had said, that would be bad for both of them. He didn’t want to hurt John more than he already had. His mind was racing with all of the possible scenarios that would take place if any one found out. He was so lost in his own thoughts that he didn’t even notice that he was talking out loud.

“I can’t tell what he did… I can’t tell him… he’ll find out…” It was only quiet whispers, but it was apparently loud enough to be audible.

“Alex!” This snapped him out of his downward spiral of thoughts. “Tell me the truth. Did my father say something to you?” He said the word ‘father’ with an exuberant amount of disdain in his voice. “Because I swear to god-“

“No, you can’t know that, he’ll find out, he’ll tell _him_ where I am,” Alex could feel the panic starting to rise in his chest, blood was rushing in his ears, and his vision started going fuzzy.

“Hey, it’s okay, it’s okay.” John’s voice was soft as he led Alex to the bed. “Breathe, love. I’m right here.” Alex buried his face in John’s chest.

“I’m sorry; I just didn’t know what else I could do. It was selfish of me, I know.” Alex explained exactly what Henry Laurens had told him. He explained what he had threatened him with.

“I hate him. I know that you’re not supposed to hate your parents, but fuck that. I hate him.”

“So you’re not mad that I had to break up with you?” Alex asked timidly.

“Of course not. I could never be mad at you.”

“Don’t say that. I’ll just let you down. It was selfish of me in the first place.”

“No it wasn’t; you did this for _me_ , and I don’t know many other people who would do that.”

“I just want you to be happy, that’s all.” Alex leaned back into John’s chest and sighed deeply.

* * *

 

“So you two are back together, but you’re not actually back together?” Peggy asked from where they were perched on the arm of the Washington’s couch.

“I guess you could say that,” Alex replied, not looking up from the paper he was writing for history. He didn’t _really_ want to be talking about that particular subject. “Hey, would you happen to know why the evolution of the human brain improved life for early humans?”

“Does it look like I know or care about history now?” They retorted, throwing a pillow at his head. “I’m more interested in knowing about your relationship.”

“There’s nothing really to know. We broke up because of a misunderstanding, and now we’re back together. That’s all.” He hadn’t told his friends yet the real reason. He would eventually, but just not yet.

“That’s all? You guys never disagree about anything, how could there be a misunderstanding?”

“I’ll tell you later, okay? I just need to get this done.”

“Knowing you, that paper is probably due in three months or something.”

“Two months actually.”

“That doesn’t make it any better.”

The two of them went back and forth for a while. Alex would probably tell Peggy first; but not today. Today he was just going to be happy about him and John being together again. It had been a long time since he had been really truly happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I used so many semicolons in this, and I don't even know how to use a semicolon.
> 
> my history teacher being a savage is my favorite thing
> 
> Comments are #swag  
> Thanks for reading!!!


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's Take a Break(tm) from our not at all regularly scheduled angst for some Christmas fluff.
> 
> (update on my life: about a month ago Anthony and Jasmine were walking right in front of me and i legit almost fainted. that's all.)

_Alex_

It was Christmas Eve. Alexander never had very good memories of Christmas, even

when his mom was around. They could never really afford much in the way of gifts with

both parents working minimum wage jobs. The “family togetherness” that usually came

with the holiday was practically non existent for the Hamilton’s because Alex’s father

would rather spend his time off from work in a bar than at home. A Christmas a few

years before his mother died, he could remember himself looking forlornly out the

window on the morning of the 25 th , looking at the unplowed streets covered with powder-

like snow. He told his mother the kids in his class always talked about the presents they

got from Santa, and he asked her why Santa never came to their house. She responded

with,

“Santa doesn’t come to houses like this. We don’t have a tree, we don’t have lights, and

Santa doesn’t like houses like that so don’t complain.”

So he did grow up with the idea that Santa was an elitist bastard, which did tend to dampen the magic of the holiday season a little bit. He didn’t blame his mother for not making up a better lie about why Santa didn’t show; he realized now how miserable her life had been. She was tired of the life she was stuck with, and she was understandably bitter about it. Christmases after his mother died were more like normal days than anything else, so when the Washington’s were invited to the Schuyler’s house for dinner on Christmas Eve and he was told he was going with them he was more than a little tentative. He felt like he was intruding on people’s happiness. Eliza tried to convince him that her parents were more than happy to have him come for dinner. Apparently Mr. Washington and Mr. Schuyler went way back from their congress days and their families often spent Christmases together. Mrs. Washington had bought him a suit for the occasion even though he protested that she shouldn’t spend all that money on him.

“Don’t be silly dear,” Mrs. Washington chided. “You must always look your best when you are invited out to dinner.”

“Are you sure you want me to come with you guys? I mean I could just stay here so I’m not in the way.”

“Alexander, I promise you that you are  _ not  _ in the way. It will be nice having a new face at the table for Christmas.”

When he finally put on his suit, he wandered over to Lafayette’s room.

“Tu es magnifique! It looks like you’re, what are the kids saying now? Off to steal yo girl.”

“Laf, stop pretending you’re 80 years old. You know very well what “the kids” are saying. And also ever say that again.”

“You wound me greatly mon ami,” they exclaimed dramatically, draping their arms over Alex’s shoulders and straightening his tie. “We should get going. We wouldn’t want to keep our adoring fans waiting.” 

“I wouldn’t exactly call the Schuyler siblings our adoring fans, but you’re right. Let’s go.”

* * *

Fifteen minutes later they were pulling into the Schuyler’s driveway. It was an impressive house with large windows and intimidating doorways. The chilly wind of upstate New York hit Alex as soon as he opened the car door and stepped outside. He pulled his coat tighter around himself in a futile attempt to block out the icy gusts. Alex carried the plastic container of homemade sugar cookies up to the front door, where he then rang the bell. The door swung open almost immediately, and Peggy was standing there in their bright yellow dress.

“Hey everyone!” they exclaimed when they saw the Washington’s and Alex on the porch. “Come on in!” Almost immediately, Mrs. Schuyler came into the room and offered to take their coats. Once they were all hung up, Alex went up to her and offered her the cookies.

“Thank you so much for these,” she gushed. “These cookies are the highlight of every year.”

“I do my best,” Mr. Washington replied. Alex could confirm that Mr. Washington had in fact spent the entire day in the kitchen, making what he called “Washington’s World Famous Sugar Cookies”. 

“Truthfully, it’s the only reason we invite y’all back every year,” Peggy said with a mischievous smirk.

“Margarita!” 

“Yes mother?” They responded innocently, as if they had never done anything wrong in their entire life before grabbing the cookies out of Alex’s hands.

“Sometimes I don’t know what I’m going to do with them.” Mrs. Schuyler said with a laugh as Peggy bounded into the kitchen carrying the cookies.

When dinner was ready they all sat around the large table in the Schuyler’s dining room. The table was obviously made to seat many more guests, but Eliza had explained to Alex why that was so. It was right before dinner when Alex asked her if any of their extended family would be visiting on Christmas, to which Eliza replied,

“Our family doesn’t really come to our house anymore, and they’ve all made it pretty clear that we’re not welcome at theirs either.”

“Why would they do that?”

“They say they don’t agree with how they ‘enable their children’s poor lifestyle choices’. Every since I came out as a lesbian, and Peggy came out as agender, and Angelica came out as trans, our extended family hasn’t wanted to have anything to do with us.” Alex moved closer to Eliza where they were sitting on the couch. He put his arm around her and leaned his head on her shoulder. He didn’t say anything. He hoped that his actions spoke loud enough. 

The dinner was lovely, and Alexander couldn’t remember a time he had been that happy. Everything was bright and cheery, and nobody was sad.  It was a pleasant break from the harsh reality of his normal day to day life. All too soon, it was time to leave; Alex gave all of the Schuyler’s hugs, and they made him promise to come visit them again soon. During the drive home Alex felt nothing but happiness. It was almost 10:00 when they pulled back into the Washington’s drive way, and Alex was incredibly tired. He fell asleep almost as soon as his head hit the pillow, but his sleep didn’t last long. He was a very light sleeper and woke to the sound of his phone vibrating next to him. It was 12:30. He read the text. He immediately put on his coat and shoes and made his way as quietly as possible, out the front door.

* * *

“I was really worried that you wouldn’t be able to come,” John said as soon as Alex came closer to him.

“Of course I came; I wouldn’t miss being with you for the world.” It was completely dark outside, with only the moon to illuminate their midnight rendezvous. John had texted him right after he had gotten home from the midnight service with his family. 

“Has anyone ever told you you’re kind of cute? Because you’re kind of cute.” John took Alex’s hand and motioned for him to sit next to him on the bench.

“I mean maybe someone’s mentioned it once or twice,” the shorter boy responded with a playful smile.

“I’d think people would tell you more often,” John said, bringing Alex closer to him in a desperate attempt to stay warm.

“It really is cold as fuck out here, we should prob-” John cut him off with a kiss. It was sweet; innocent almost. Alex ran his hands through John’s curly hair. He deepened the kiss and then drew back.

“Merry Christmas John.”

“Merry Christmas Alex.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry i'm late. I've been busy crying about yuri on ice
> 
> I hope y'all have a very happy holiday season, and you are with people who love and respect you.
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	33. Chapter 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have at least 7 emotions about next to normal, and that's like a lot for me.
> 
> I had to post a chapter on Lin's bday
> 
> So yeah, this chapter happened because I feel like I need to start wrapping things up. Also, I had an idea about another lams fic that I really want to write so that's lit.

_Alex_

Alex paced the room. He seemed to do that a lot lately. He needed a plan, and he knew he couldn’t do it alone. The only problem was that he had to make sure that John’s father never finds out that they were back together. That could end very badly, and they both had enough problems to last them a lifetime. He was at least glad he didn’t have to be around his father anymore; that seemed to be like the one god thing that had happened in a while. If he never saw that man again it would be too soon.  A corrupt police was the last thing he expected; those things only happened in Pretty Little Liars. Peggy was probably the best person he could ask to help him because they had a vengeful streak, and wasn’t definitely not above smacking a bitch. Alex decided to text the youngest Schuyler sibling and ask for their help.

A rush of cold air blew into the café. A burst of color entered. Bright red wool coat, black jeans, and red heels. Brown curls bouncing around her face; still flushed from the cold. Dark eyes and red lipstick; she could see into your soul.

“Alexander Hamilton?”

“Maria Reynolds?”

Alex motioned for her to come across from him.

“It’s nice to meet you, Alex, I’ve heard a lot about you.”

“It’s nice to meet you too. I’m sorry this is kind of awkward, but my friends thought it would be a good idea if I talked to you.” He was trying to avoid eye contact, which wasn’t usually like him, but this was different. Here was someone who knew what he had gone through. What he was _going_ through.

“I wish I had friends like yours when I was growing up. They really care about you.” Maria’s voice was soft, but it carried a certain weight to it. It was almost like she was casting a spell on whoever heard her voice; you just had to listen.

“How much did my friends tell you about… what happened?

“They told me the basics of what happened, and I feel awful. I can’t but to think if I had gone to the police about him, this never would have happened to you.”

“It’s not your fault, it’s James Madison’s fault. He is the reason we’re both here.”

“I know but sometimes it seems like whatever I do this is all I can think about. It’s always my fault.”

“Sugar, I wish I could tell you that there’s something you could do to make those thoughts go away immediately, but it will take so much longer than that. Years, really.” In his heart, Alex knew that that was the case, but he just wished that that day could come sooner.

“So, do you think that there’s anyway that we could get Madison to pay for what he did? I mean, I have enough evidence for a conviction, but the police won’t listen to me. He has this entire town in his pocket, and I don’t see how we could win.” He was growing more despondent by the second; he was losing hope faster and faster as his words convinced even himself that Madison was untouchable.

“Listen. I know it seems pretty bad but if we can get enough people on our side, we can take him down.”

“I know you don’t think it’s going to get any better, but that’s what he wants. We can’t give him what he wants.”

“Then we have to come up with a plan.”

* * *

 

_John_

“So apparently you can send news stories to whatever station you want to see if they’ll pick it up?” Hercules said as more of a question then anything. “I don’t know if anybody actually important will look at it, or it would be just some assistant or something. We need people who can actually do something to look at this.”

“The only thing we can do is try our best. If it doesn’t work, we’ll just have to think of something else that will.” Angelica sat in the large leather armchair in the Washington’s living room, leaning against the armrest.

“I can’t believe this is actually on tv. This is great!” Eliza exclaimed.

John looked over at Alexander next to him, curled up on the couch looking smaller than he ever was before. The images flashed across his eyes; the light from the tv illuminating his face, making him look paler than he actually was. John could tell that he was reliving it. He was looking at the screen, but he wasn’t _really_ looking; with his dark brown eyes glazed over, he stared at his story being told.

“Anonymous allegations against prominent member of the Republican party, and speculated nominee for the Republican ticket in the presidential race in a few years, James Madison have surfaced.” The news reporter spoke in a voice almost devoid of emotion. “Evidence in the form of an audio recording have been sent to CNN, and the police are just beginning their investigation into verifying whether this evidence is real or not. Anyone with more information regarding this story can contact us at cnn.com.”

* * *

 

_Maria_

Maria could hardly believe what she was hearing. She couldn’t believe that it worked. The happiness she felt was broken as soon as she heard the shouting coming from the upstairs of the Madison’s house. She quickly put away her phone that she had been watching the news on. She looked at the stair case pensively, waiting for Mr. Madison to come flying down, in a rage. Instead she heard a door slam. She assumed it was slamming open because she could hear his voice even more clearly now.

“Dolley? Have you seen what’s on the news?” Maria couldn’t hear the muffled reply form Mrs. Madison, who she assumed, was in her room.

“How can they be saying things like this about me?”

Silence.

“No, of course it’s not true!”

More silence.

“I don’t know how they got it! But if I find who started this I swear to god-“

Maria bolted towards the bathroom. She didn’t want to hear the rest of his threats.

She locked the door. Five minutes later she heard footsteps making their way down the stairs.

“Ms. Reynolds?” She held her breath.

“Y-yes Mr. Madison?” she managed to get out.

“I’d like to speak with you for a moment.” She definitely didn’t want to speak with him.

She took a deep breath, straightened the bright red shirt she was wearing, and opened the door. She had a fake smile plastered on her face, but she was so nervous she was sure he could tell it wasn’t real.

“Yes sir?” She said as innocently as she possibly could.

“Don’t ‘yes sir’ me you little whore. I know it was you!” He hissed at her; his voice not audible to anyone but her. He suddenly put his arm out, grabbed her by the neck and pushed her against the nearest wall. She tried to speak but she couldn’t get anything out because of his tight grip.

“I will find away to make your life living hell, mark my words. I will make sure you never live to see your daughter grow up, do you understand me?”

Maria tried not to meet his gaze; his eyes terrified her more than anything he was saying. They were wild, crazy eyes, full of malice. She looked over his shoulder to where the kitchen was. She didn’t know how she noticed this small detail, especially in her current situation, but she did.

The large kitchen knife that had been on the counter a few minutes earlier, she knew it was there because she put it there, she noticed that it was missing. She looked down at James Madison’s other hand. The hand that wasn’t around her neck.

She looked down and opened her mouth in a silent scream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woot woot drama central.
> 
> Also, I'M GOING TO SEE HAMILTON.   
> My friend got me tickets for Christmas and we're going to see it in july. 
> 
> I'm honestly so happy (excuse me while I get emo) because this show honestly changed my life. Before hamilton I was not a happy person at all but now I find it so much easier to be happy because I finally have something to be happy about. And without hamilton this fic would obviously not exist and writing this is honestly so therapeutic; when I have problems I write. So I finally get to see the show that made me a better person. Lit.
> 
> Thanks for reading, fam.


	34. Chapter 34

Okay so it's been exactly one year since I've updated this and my life is in a drastically different place than it was when I was writing this. I no longer completely agree with all the things I have written in this, and I don't feel 100% comfortable with continuing it. Some of my views on things I wrote about have changed, and I want to move past that point in my life, but I will keep all my fics up for posterity. My schedule is also incredibly full, making it difficult to keep up with updates. I apologize to anyone who wanted me to finish this; it was my intention when I started to finish it. I thoroughly enjoyed the experience of writing this.

I did go see Hamilton on Broadway, and honestly, it was just as magical as you would expect. That's one thing that hasn't changed throughout this past year. My devotion and respect towards this musical and the people who made it happen is still unwavering.

If people seriously want closure, I'm willing to maybe write a brief wrap up chapter if people want. I thank ever one who read, liked, and commented on this. You all make me a very happy queen.

So with that, I wish a very happy birthday to the man who made this all happen. Thanks for everything Lin. Don't throw away your shot, y'all.


End file.
